while writing that last post, i had my itunes shuffling, and this song by the newsboys came up. and as i was typing but not really listening to the song, this line stuck out.
the darkness laughs as the wound destroys, and it turns your prayers to noise.
it's the hardest when the person you have to forgive is yourself.
if i wrote down all my thoughts, i would be rehashing this. so i won't do that.
Thursday, December 29, 2011
attention.
every single camper wants attention from at least one staffer.
i've only ever known one camper who i would honestly say did not.
some come to camp FOR the staff(i was that kid). but even the ones who come for the activities, to make friends, or because their parents make them, still care about the staff even if it's not what they love most about camp. everybody wants you to like them.
there are the ones that(literally) hang all over their cabin leader, clearly campaigning for favorite-of-the-week. but there are others who more quietly admire you.
both types equally deserve you-time, but if you aren't careful, the first type can end up being the only ones to get it. when you have two or three that are always begging to hold your hand or sit by you, or if you have a couple of difficult ones that take up a lot of time, it can be easy to forget the quiet ones.
all of them need to get some kind of special attention from you during their time at camp. maybe you ask them to sit by you at a meal or at canteen, maybe you give them a special job during cleanup, or braid their hair at bedtime. but somehow, they need to go home remembering that you cared about them. if every one goes home thinking "i bet i was their favorite camper", you've had a great week.
story time.
this year, we had lots and lots of twins in my unit. as in, almost every week we had one set or more. the first week we had two sets of twins and one set of triplets.
those triplets are some of the most adorable girls you will ever meet. all their names started with E, but i'll call them A, B, and C.
A and B were in my cabin. A was the kind that makes it obvious that she thinks her cabin leader is the best thing since caramel filled churros. i loved her. but she was a subcategory of this type which i call an "aggressive campaigner," meaning, if i turned my attention from her for more than five minutes, she would start acting up. not really in a bad way, but she would get louder than everyone else, usually interrupt whichever girl i was listening to, something else mildly disruptive like that. now she was great and she knew i loved her(and she would ask all the time if she was my favorite[to which you must always answer "i love ALL my girls too much to have favorites!" and this usually makes them just as happy as if you answered yes]), but when i would explain to her that i loved everybody else and wanted to spend time with all of them, she would get upset and go cling to someone else(she actually told me on the last day "tell the people in charge that i want to be in *certain other's* cabin next year!" which made me kinda sad).
C was fun too, and special since i didn't see her as much as the other two, her being in another cabin and all. but B won the best-that-week award*.
she was the quiet admiration type. she watched everything i did, and anytime i was talking she would be visibly listening(like you can just look at her and you know she's hanging on every word), even if i was just talking about what might be for lunch. she wasn't so much shy as she was willing to let other people talk first.(just like i always was with my staffers! i don't think most of them realized how much i liked them, because i didn't take enough chances to talk to them. i love getting campers like that, it makes me feel like i wasn't the weird one in the group)
thankfully, i had an awesome staffer working with me(probably the best i've ever had), so when she was around, A would jump on her(so would everyone else actually, they didn't get to see her much). the second night, i took advantage of this and used that time to hang out with B. and when people weren't fighting over me, she really had a lot to say, plus she's super funny.
i've had lots of girls like B, before and after her. but it was only this year, when i had her, that i saw how important it is to make a real effort to give each of them a little bit of my time just for them.
i can't think any witty sentence to close this with, so here's a random picture from 2008 staff orientation.
can't remember who drew it...but i took the picture.
*by which i mean i remembered her more happily than i did any others from that week. i don't keep a list, tell the "winner", or treat them any differently than the rest.
i've only ever known one camper who i would honestly say did not.
some come to camp FOR the staff(i was that kid). but even the ones who come for the activities, to make friends, or because their parents make them, still care about the staff even if it's not what they love most about camp. everybody wants you to like them.
there are the ones that(literally) hang all over their cabin leader, clearly campaigning for favorite-of-the-week. but there are others who more quietly admire you.
both types equally deserve you-time, but if you aren't careful, the first type can end up being the only ones to get it. when you have two or three that are always begging to hold your hand or sit by you, or if you have a couple of difficult ones that take up a lot of time, it can be easy to forget the quiet ones.
all of them need to get some kind of special attention from you during their time at camp. maybe you ask them to sit by you at a meal or at canteen, maybe you give them a special job during cleanup, or braid their hair at bedtime. but somehow, they need to go home remembering that you cared about them. if every one goes home thinking "i bet i was their favorite camper", you've had a great week.
story time.
this year, we had lots and lots of twins in my unit. as in, almost every week we had one set or more. the first week we had two sets of twins and one set of triplets.
those triplets are some of the most adorable girls you will ever meet. all their names started with E, but i'll call them A, B, and C.
A and B were in my cabin. A was the kind that makes it obvious that she thinks her cabin leader is the best thing since caramel filled churros. i loved her. but she was a subcategory of this type which i call an "aggressive campaigner," meaning, if i turned my attention from her for more than five minutes, she would start acting up. not really in a bad way, but she would get louder than everyone else, usually interrupt whichever girl i was listening to, something else mildly disruptive like that. now she was great and she knew i loved her(and she would ask all the time if she was my favorite[to which you must always answer "i love ALL my girls too much to have favorites!" and this usually makes them just as happy as if you answered yes]), but when i would explain to her that i loved everybody else and wanted to spend time with all of them, she would get upset and go cling to someone else(she actually told me on the last day "tell the people in charge that i want to be in *certain other's* cabin next year!" which made me kinda sad).
C was fun too, and special since i didn't see her as much as the other two, her being in another cabin and all. but B won the best-that-week award*.
she was the quiet admiration type. she watched everything i did, and anytime i was talking she would be visibly listening(like you can just look at her and you know she's hanging on every word), even if i was just talking about what might be for lunch. she wasn't so much shy as she was willing to let other people talk first.(just like i always was with my staffers! i don't think most of them realized how much i liked them, because i didn't take enough chances to talk to them. i love getting campers like that, it makes me feel like i wasn't the weird one in the group)
thankfully, i had an awesome staffer working with me(probably the best i've ever had), so when she was around, A would jump on her(so would everyone else actually, they didn't get to see her much). the second night, i took advantage of this and used that time to hang out with B. and when people weren't fighting over me, she really had a lot to say, plus she's super funny.
i've had lots of girls like B, before and after her. but it was only this year, when i had her, that i saw how important it is to make a real effort to give each of them a little bit of my time just for them.
i can't think any witty sentence to close this with, so here's a random picture from 2008 staff orientation.
*by which i mean i remembered her more happily than i did any others from that week. i don't keep a list, tell the "winner", or treat them any differently than the rest.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
if.
if i didn't work at camp....
-i would make twice as much money.
-i would get to sleep in every day, or at the very least, sleep at night without ever being woken up or having to keep anyone quiet.
-i could have my phone and computer as often as i wanted.
-i would never have to pretend to like collards, grits, or hot dogs.
and i would be miserable.
but who cares about any of that?
because i work at camp...
-i'm doing something worth more than any amount of money.
-i go to bed physically and mentally exhausted, looking, smelling and feeling disgusting, but happier than i ever am anywhere else.
-instead of spending my day sitting on facebook wondering what i'm doing with my life, i spend it knowing i'm doing exactly what God MADE my life for.
-i get flory's peach cobbler and the other 99% of camp food that i wish i could eat every day at school.
-i've met some of the best friends i'll ever have.
-i am someone's elizabeth. someone's britnie. someone's chasity. i'm pouring Jesus into these girls and helping them get excited about missions just like my old heroes did for me.
i'm only 20 and i've already had my dream job for four years.
i am ridiculously, undeservedly, mind blowingly blessed.
thanks God. this is cool. =]
-i would make twice as much money.
-i would get to sleep in every day, or at the very least, sleep at night without ever being woken up or having to keep anyone quiet.
-i could have my phone and computer as often as i wanted.
-i would never have to pretend to like collards, grits, or hot dogs.
and i would be miserable.
but who cares about any of that?
because i work at camp...
-i'm doing something worth more than any amount of money.
-i go to bed physically and mentally exhausted, looking, smelling and feeling disgusting, but happier than i ever am anywhere else.
-instead of spending my day sitting on facebook wondering what i'm doing with my life, i spend it knowing i'm doing exactly what God MADE my life for.
-i get flory's peach cobbler and the other 99% of camp food that i wish i could eat every day at school.
-i've met some of the best friends i'll ever have.
-i am someone's elizabeth. someone's britnie. someone's chasity. i'm pouring Jesus into these girls and helping them get excited about missions just like my old heroes did for me.
i'm only 20 and i've already had my dream job for four years.
i am ridiculously, undeservedly, mind blowingly blessed.
thanks God. this is cool. =]
the camp version of syllabus shock.
no matter how many years we come back, everybody has to reapply to work at la vida again.
i remember the first time i filled out the application, not believing that i was really doing what i'd dreamed of since seventh grade(funny to say since i was now only in eleventh grade). every step of the process made me feel scarily inadequate.
it must have worked out okay; i'm now applying for my 5th summer. i don't worry anymore about whether i'll get the job(i still get just as excited every year when i get the letter though), i just get a little tired of answering the same questions year after year. but there's one part of it that i love.
every year i glance through it, look at what i need my references to say and stuff, and i see what all is expected of us. and i think "I measure up to all this? seriously?"
and then i thank God. by some obscene amount of grace, i have what it takes. if you think about it, i guess that's the only way any of us do. we could never be all that by ourselves! and if we tried, we would have really disappointing summers. now that i think of it, i know what that's like. i may need a whole other post later. or tomorrow...it's getting late.
i'm so glad the one thing i'm good at is the thing i love most in the world.
i remember the first time i filled out the application, not believing that i was really doing what i'd dreamed of since seventh grade(funny to say since i was now only in eleventh grade). every step of the process made me feel scarily inadequate.
it must have worked out okay; i'm now applying for my 5th summer. i don't worry anymore about whether i'll get the job(i still get just as excited every year when i get the letter though), i just get a little tired of answering the same questions year after year. but there's one part of it that i love.
every year i glance through it, look at what i need my references to say and stuff, and i see what all is expected of us. and i think "I measure up to all this? seriously?"
and then i thank God. by some obscene amount of grace, i have what it takes. if you think about it, i guess that's the only way any of us do. we could never be all that by ourselves! and if we tried, we would have really disappointing summers. now that i think of it, i know what that's like. i may need a whole other post later. or tomorrow...it's getting late.
i'm so glad the one thing i'm good at is the thing i love most in the world.
confession#21 and 29.
and sometimes, you take a shower and find a bruise underneath a big splotch of dirt.
i already bruise like a peach(name the quote?), but i don't shower much at camp. to non-camp people reading this, that probably sounds really really gross(and it probably is), but if you know me at all, you know that if i have the choice between a shower, sleeping, or being with people, the shower will be the least of my priorities.
once i came home for a weekend and the first thing i did was go take a bath. the second i got in the water, little brown clouds(dirt or sweat or whatever i guess)fell off me. that's the first time i've ever been really grossed out by how disgusting i get at camp. but i think the dirtier you are at the end of the week, the better the week was; my best weeks have always been the ones where i never had time to take a shower because i was having too much fun with my girls during the day and the staff at night.
confession#132.
my own corollary: i came to camp expecting a break from home, but ended up finding my home.
i miss my camp family. not like you miss your phone when you lose it for a couple hours. i ache-inside miss them.
camp is big. when you share something big with people, they become part of your life and you will never forget them.
maybe you'll forget some names. maybe you'll forget who did what stupid thing that got everyone in trouble. but you'll always remember that one time you spent ten weeks in a special place and your lives changed.
and when you all get together again, it's like nothing changed.
only in the case of our reunion at la vida, the weather is colder and you can see the lake from cabin 5's deck, since there's no leaves on the trees.
but other than that it's like just another sunday night. with a little bit more screaming, since it's been 4 months and not just a weekend since we saw each other.
driving up to camp feels like coming home. not just like other familiar places; i like school(usually), i like ridge haven, i like my best friend's house, but they aren't home. and the people i'm with there(besides my best friend) don't feel quite like my family, as much as i love them.
camp is as much, if not more, of home as my house. i always feel like i belong there. i can be however i want and know everybody loves me one way or the other; i don't worry about what people are thinking if i'm not talking, i don't wonder if i'm annoying anybody when it gets late and i can't stop talking. i never feel left out or lonely there. a few places have one or two of those things true about them, but nowhere else has all of them.
i'm always sad to leave it. today i didn't cry until i got back to my house, but i did cry. partly because i was sad, but mostly because i was happy. happy that we're still the same, happy for the little bit of time we had together, happy that so many of us are going back. happy that camp makes my life SO happy.
no matter whether it was more happy or sad tears, i felt real stupid after a while; i'll be back in 166 days. i need to calm down. still, it's home. i like it there. and i don't get to see my family there that often. i see some of them sometimes, but never everyone together.
i miss you guys. and i love yall for real.
Monday, December 19, 2011
camp confessions#43
i've decided to do a series of posts explaining the select confessions that i listed a few posts ago.(see summercampconfessions.tumblr.com for more of the same)
i really only relate to this from when i was a camper myself in 2003, not as a staffer(hope can; that wizards of waverly place one). i went out on the back deck on the first day, and someone had left their cute towel with mickey mouse and all his friends on it. i asked the cabin leader if it was anybody's. she said no and asked if i wanted it.
of course i did. i still have it.
now on fridays when the girls are packing, and i remind them to make sure they get their things off the deck, i tell them that story.
the moral? if you like your towel, pack it. if not, feel free to leave it and make some camper's, or more likely a staffer's, day. =]
of course i did. i still have it.
now on fridays when the girls are packing, and i remind them to make sure they get their things off the deck, i tell them that story.
the moral? if you like your towel, pack it. if not, feel free to leave it and make some camper's, or more likely a staffer's, day. =]
i was made for camp.
my name is linda, and i am a summer camp addict.
(ok. that isn't a problem and this is not AA. but i thought it had a nice ring to it)
i have always loved the idea of camp. i couldn't wait to be old enough to go. i went to camp edisto in branchville, south carolina when i was ten-almost-eleven(i always went in june, but my birthday is in july, so i always hyphenate my at-camp age) and again when i was eleven-almost-twelve, and loved it both years. but in 2003, still eleven-almost-twelve, i went to camp la vida, three days after getting back from edisto. from then on it had my heart, and it still hasn't given it back.
it's eight years later, and i've worked there for four. i've given up mission trips, vacations, weeks on weeks of sleeping in, and jobs that pay three times as much. but i don't think i've missed a thing.
i live for camp. and if you're reading this, you probably do too. if you need heat, constant walking, little kids surrounding you, semi-obnoxious songs in your head all day, and mass produced institutional food in your system, then i'm writing for you.
what you need to know about me:
-i'm 20 and a junior at a great little Bible college in south carolina, majoring in youth ministry with a concentration in adventure education, hoping to someday have a permanent camp job somewhere, if i ever graduate.
-i'm very southern, and so is my camp.
-i'm five feet tall and have very small feet. most of my 6th grade campers are my height or taller, and most 4th grade or older wear a size or two bigger shoe than i do.
-i've spent part of all the past nine summers at camp la vida, the first five as a camper for five days a year, the past four as a staffer for ten weeks a year.
-i consider the first day of camp a holiday.
-i love to make lists. kind of like i'm doing right now.
-i LOVE talking to other people from other camps. my fellow la vida staffers are like my sisters, but meeting cool people from other camps is like discovering distant cousins.
-i do what i do for God. he saved me through camp, and i'm beyond thankful that he's letting me serve him there now.
the posts below are all imported from my other blog. i switched because i wanted people to be able to more easily get to my camp-related posts, instead of having them wrapped up in between my posts about everyday life at school.
i'm trying to write for the general camp lover, not just for myself or for those who have worked at my own camp. i'll throw in little anecdotes for them too of course, but for the most part, i hope any camper or counselor can relate to what i have to say.
subscribe, share me, and enjoy! and visit some of these others:
summercampconfessions.tumblr.com
campcounselormoments.tumblr.com
(ok. that isn't a problem and this is not AA. but i thought it had a nice ring to it)
i have always loved the idea of camp. i couldn't wait to be old enough to go. i went to camp edisto in branchville, south carolina when i was ten-almost-eleven(i always went in june, but my birthday is in july, so i always hyphenate my at-camp age) and again when i was eleven-almost-twelve, and loved it both years. but in 2003, still eleven-almost-twelve, i went to camp la vida, three days after getting back from edisto. from then on it had my heart, and it still hasn't given it back.
it's eight years later, and i've worked there for four. i've given up mission trips, vacations, weeks on weeks of sleeping in, and jobs that pay three times as much. but i don't think i've missed a thing.
i live for camp. and if you're reading this, you probably do too. if you need heat, constant walking, little kids surrounding you, semi-obnoxious songs in your head all day, and mass produced institutional food in your system, then i'm writing for you.
what you need to know about me:
-i'm 20 and a junior at a great little Bible college in south carolina, majoring in youth ministry with a concentration in adventure education, hoping to someday have a permanent camp job somewhere, if i ever graduate.
-i'm very southern, and so is my camp.
-i'm five feet tall and have very small feet. most of my 6th grade campers are my height or taller, and most 4th grade or older wear a size or two bigger shoe than i do.
-i've spent part of all the past nine summers at camp la vida, the first five as a camper for five days a year, the past four as a staffer for ten weeks a year.
-i consider the first day of camp a holiday.
-i love to make lists. kind of like i'm doing right now.
-i LOVE talking to other people from other camps. my fellow la vida staffers are like my sisters, but meeting cool people from other camps is like discovering distant cousins.
-i do what i do for God. he saved me through camp, and i'm beyond thankful that he's letting me serve him there now.
the posts below are all imported from my other blog. i switched because i wanted people to be able to more easily get to my camp-related posts, instead of having them wrapped up in between my posts about everyday life at school.
i'm trying to write for the general camp lover, not just for myself or for those who have worked at my own camp. i'll throw in little anecdotes for them too of course, but for the most part, i hope any camper or counselor can relate to what i have to say.
subscribe, share me, and enjoy! and visit some of these others:
summercampconfessions.tumblr.com
campcounselormoments.tumblr.com
Monday, November 21, 2011
the beach and camp.
"what filthy piles of sand our lives make, if we just sit beside the shore and never change."
anyone who has not listened to mike mains and the branches yet should give them a try. they're wonderful, and they're christians(not a christian band; a band where the people in it are christians but their music doesn't fall into the christian genre), and they're poor so you should buy them.
anyways. they wrote that line up there. i was listening to their album for the 14th time(i don't know the exact number but that's probably about right) and heard that, and i thought of how you can never walk on the same beach twice because the sand gets washed around and moved away.
i then started thinking of all the people not coming back to camp next year and a lightbulb went on.
camp is so much like the beach.
i call both the most beautiful place in the world.
they are both my favorite places to be.
both are full of God-metaphors.
and both are always changing.
neither has ever been exactly the same when i've revisited them.
but unlike the beach, i complain all the live long day about this fact about camp. sometimes i want to never go back because of this.
i tried to reason that this is stupid. if it doesn't bother me about the beach, it shouldn't matter at camp either.
but camp is not the beach, and people that i grow to love over two months are not bits of sand.
i've never worked in the same staff twice. no one ever will. it's just a part of camp. instead of getting easier every year, it gets harder. everyone leaves a piece of themselves at camp when they leave it. the ghosts build up a lot over four years.
i've worked with 107 different people. 91 were full-time staff, 14 worked a week or two, and 2 were there for a day and a half. 28 follow me around like laverne from scrubs in that one horrible episode after she dies.
this was the summer that i made more real friends than ever. (usually i make a ton of great just-in-the-summer friends, but it's their camp selves, not their real selves, that i'm friends with. and if we never work together again, we lose each other) even though i know they'll still be in my life a long time, most of them aren't coming back to camp. i've never had this much notice for how sad the beginning of a summer will be; i don't know if that'll make it easier or harder. we'll see.
i still want to go back, and God still wants me there, so this isn't keeping me away. it'll just be harder than ever right at first.
anyone who has not listened to mike mains and the branches yet should give them a try. they're wonderful, and they're christians(not a christian band; a band where the people in it are christians but their music doesn't fall into the christian genre), and they're poor so you should buy them.
anyways. they wrote that line up there. i was listening to their album for the 14th time(i don't know the exact number but that's probably about right) and heard that, and i thought of how you can never walk on the same beach twice because the sand gets washed around and moved away.
i then started thinking of all the people not coming back to camp next year and a lightbulb went on.
camp is so much like the beach.
i call both the most beautiful place in the world.
they are both my favorite places to be.
both are full of God-metaphors.
and both are always changing.
neither has ever been exactly the same when i've revisited them.
but unlike the beach, i complain all the live long day about this fact about camp. sometimes i want to never go back because of this.
i tried to reason that this is stupid. if it doesn't bother me about the beach, it shouldn't matter at camp either.
but camp is not the beach, and people that i grow to love over two months are not bits of sand.
i've never worked in the same staff twice. no one ever will. it's just a part of camp. instead of getting easier every year, it gets harder. everyone leaves a piece of themselves at camp when they leave it. the ghosts build up a lot over four years.
i've worked with 107 different people. 91 were full-time staff, 14 worked a week or two, and 2 were there for a day and a half. 28 follow me around like laverne from scrubs in that one horrible episode after she dies.
this was the summer that i made more real friends than ever. (usually i make a ton of great just-in-the-summer friends, but it's their camp selves, not their real selves, that i'm friends with. and if we never work together again, we lose each other) even though i know they'll still be in my life a long time, most of them aren't coming back to camp. i've never had this much notice for how sad the beginning of a summer will be; i don't know if that'll make it easier or harder. we'll see.
i still want to go back, and God still wants me there, so this isn't keeping me away. it'll just be harder than ever right at first.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
our own breed.
(anytime i look at my stats and see pageviews today: 0, pageviews yesterday, 0, i have the most overwhelming urge to write something.
but i usually can't think of anything.
i can today.)
there are some things that can only be understood by camp staffers. things only we laugh at, things only we cry about.
sometimes just spilling out camp stories to anyone who will listen is enough to make the missing-ness go away, but then sometimes you just HAVE to see or talk to someone who went through it with you. the phrase "you had to be there" is such an understatement.
being part of something special makes you special;
for instance: we use the same kind of cups at school that we do at camp. just like the ones at camp, they are VERY difficult to pull apart when you stack them. but unlike at camp, no one tells anyone to not stack them; they actually store them stacked up in a big basket. anyways, whenever someone sends a big stack of cups into the dishpit when i'm working, i always want to make some kind of comment on what flory would say if she had to unstack all those, but of course no one i work with would understand.
i love and hate camp for the same reason: it's mine. it's separate from all my friends at home. love it because that makes it special, hate it because i'm so rarely around the people who i shared it with.
a few days ago, hope and kathleen and jenna all started flooding my facebook with links from summercampconfessions.tumblr.com. i hadn't meant to come home until thanksgiving break, but i had to check it out and ciu blocked tumblr, so i caved. i've been on it for an hour copying pictures from it and it is the best blog i have ever read.
through it i found two other blogs(also on tumblr. seriously ciu! 99% of us are NOT using it for porn, stop making us suffer!) like it. and i forget that there are other camps out there. they are also full of people who love what they do, and those people also miss it.
i feel so crazy for missing my camp so much all the time, hate how attached i am, complain about how i wish i was one of those "normal" counselors who goes to camp, loves their time there, then leaves and goes about with life just fine until the next summer.
but now i see that for us, thinking of camp everywhere IS normal. it's a relief to see i'm not the only one. =]
but i usually can't think of anything.
i can today.)
there are some things that can only be understood by camp staffers. things only we laugh at, things only we cry about.
sometimes just spilling out camp stories to anyone who will listen is enough to make the missing-ness go away, but then sometimes you just HAVE to see or talk to someone who went through it with you. the phrase "you had to be there" is such an understatement.
being part of something special makes you special;
for instance: we use the same kind of cups at school that we do at camp. just like the ones at camp, they are VERY difficult to pull apart when you stack them. but unlike at camp, no one tells anyone to not stack them; they actually store them stacked up in a big basket. anyways, whenever someone sends a big stack of cups into the dishpit when i'm working, i always want to make some kind of comment on what flory would say if she had to unstack all those, but of course no one i work with would understand.
i love and hate camp for the same reason: it's mine. it's separate from all my friends at home. love it because that makes it special, hate it because i'm so rarely around the people who i shared it with.
a few days ago, hope and kathleen and jenna all started flooding my facebook with links from summercampconfessions.tumblr.com. i hadn't meant to come home until thanksgiving break, but i had to check it out and ciu blocked tumblr, so i caved. i've been on it for an hour copying pictures from it and it is the best blog i have ever read.
through it i found two other blogs(also on tumblr. seriously ciu! 99% of us are NOT using it for porn, stop making us suffer!) like it. and i forget that there are other camps out there. they are also full of people who love what they do, and those people also miss it.
i feel so crazy for missing my camp so much all the time, hate how attached i am, complain about how i wish i was one of those "normal" counselors who goes to camp, loves their time there, then leaves and goes about with life just fine until the next summer.
but now i see that for us, thinking of camp everywhere IS normal. it's a relief to see i'm not the only one. =]
Sunday, November 6, 2011
top 5 funniest/most ridiculous la vida moments of all time.
all time meaning, of course, from june 2008 to now.
5. "we have a problem in cabin 10...it's regarding the tooth fairy."
4. when we watched a walk to remember, and cindy cried.
3. the time that a mother came to la vida, wanting to pick up her child who was actually over at white oak.
2. the squirrel in cabin 9.
1. me and jenna and brittany and my bed...
5. "we have a problem in cabin 10...it's regarding the tooth fairy."
4. when we watched a walk to remember, and cindy cried.
3. the time that a mother came to la vida, wanting to pick up her child who was actually over at white oak.
2. the squirrel in cabin 9.
1. me and jenna and brittany and my bed...
Thursday, September 29, 2011
jericho and ai.
read the black for the main points.
read the blue for further elaboration on them.
read the red for sidenotes that aren't absolutely necessary.
so you can read just the black, or the black and the blue, or all of it, but not just the blue or just the red.
today was the most amazing chapel message i've heard as long as i've been at ciu. by amazing, i mean spoken-straight-from-God-to-me. i've had a good few of those, but usually those make me kinda mad since they usually are the convicting kind that mean God wants me to start doing something that i kinda don't want to. but this was just the comforting, check-this-out-i'm-bigger-than-you-but-i-love-you-anyways-isn't-that-awesome kind.
dr murray was of course the one speaking; he's my fourth favorite of everybody(after jeremy kingsley, bill jones, and adrien despres).
he talked about jericho and ai, and what we should learn from each.
and he described my past two summers at camp.
jericho is all about joy and victory. everything goes right, you and Jesus are on top of the world together, and you can't wait for the next chance to do something like it again.
that was 2010. i've already written plenty about it, so here i'll just remind you that it was unbelievable. "joy" is always among the first words that come to my mind when i think about that summer, but it was full of victories on victories too, whether camper-wise, friendship-wise, or personal me-and-God-wise.
i left that summer so incredibly excited for the next one.
but i did NOT take away the lesson that we're supposed to learn from jericho experiences.
DON'T PRESUME.
or to put it in more specific terms: no amount of victory in your past assures me of victory in my present.
that was the first great mistake of 2011. it hadn't even begun yet and i was already totally assuming "okay, i've got this, last summer rocked, i'm great at what i do, this won't be difficult at all" and other such big-headed thinking. and i completely expected it to go down just as well, if not better, than 2010. i was constantly comparing the two in my head.
2011 was an ai experience. ai is all about "sadness and defeat." there are no two better words for this summer. "sadness" especially for orientation and week 1, (week 2 was actually a randomly thrown in jericho) "defeat" especially for week 3(i have nightmares about that week. i never ever want to think about that week), but the whole summer was full of good amounts of both.
what are we supposed to take from ai?
DON'T DESPAIR.
narrow it down: no amount of defeat in my past need rob me of victory in my present.
and that is the more important lesson of the two, for me at least. i don't struggle so much with getting prideful about my past victories as i do letting past defeats ruin all my other attempts at anything.
on a less important-to-life note, i do this in soccer too: the first shot that comes at me determines how the entire game goes(or even just a practice). if i block it, i have a great game. if i miss it, i lose all confidence i may have had and let in every single shot after.
after week 3 was when i shut down for the whole summer. all my mistakes from that week just haunted me every single day: i'm a bad cabin leader. i don't know how to love my girls or get them to listen to me anymore. maybe i'm not supposed to be here. and i can't sing.(this horrible child told me she hates it when i sing to them at night, and when she said that, four others agreed and said they just hadn't wanted to say anything)
but while that was definitely the worst week of my career, there wasn't a reason in the world for it to affect the rest of the summer. just because i had one bad week doesn't mean the rest couldn't be great. but i kept letting it ruin me. i had plenty of "good" weeks but i couldn't appreciate them because i was too busy worrying about whether i was a failure or not.
plus i didn't want to tell anybody how bad i was struggling because i was afraid to get everyone freaking out. all summer long i had heard nothing but "linda's been here longer than anyone else" "linda knows everything" etc etc. instead of giving me a big head, like this could very easily do, it terrified me. especially when people kept saying those things after i was having such a hard time, i didn't know how to ask anyone to pray for me. so that just added to all the other stress in my life.
i've said so many times that i wasted my summer. but i didn't realize just how much until today. now i'm that much more excited to go back. i know how to deal, and i know how to tell people when i can't deal. and mostly, because(yes, i do realize i'm a broken record) God wants me there. he made me for that place. that unexplainable, borderline-obsessive love i have for it couldn't come from anywhere but God himself.
in the end, i always choose camp. i may pitch a fit about it sometimes, or say crazy things like referring to future staff as "them" instead of "we", but God always knocks sense into my head somehow; sometimes he has to make me super sick and show me how wrong it feels to not be at camp, or sometimes hope has to yell at me, or sometimes one of my campers has to write me an amazing note. but somehow or another, i remember where my home is.
read the blue for further elaboration on them.
read the red for sidenotes that aren't absolutely necessary.
so you can read just the black, or the black and the blue, or all of it, but not just the blue or just the red.
today was the most amazing chapel message i've heard as long as i've been at ciu. by amazing, i mean spoken-straight-from-God-to-me. i've had a good few of those, but usually those make me kinda mad since they usually are the convicting kind that mean God wants me to start doing something that i kinda don't want to. but this was just the comforting, check-this-out-i'm-bigger-than-you-but-i-love-you-anyways-isn't-that-awesome kind.
dr murray was of course the one speaking; he's my fourth favorite of everybody(after jeremy kingsley, bill jones, and adrien despres).
he talked about jericho and ai, and what we should learn from each.
and he described my past two summers at camp.
jericho is all about joy and victory. everything goes right, you and Jesus are on top of the world together, and you can't wait for the next chance to do something like it again.
that was 2010. i've already written plenty about it, so here i'll just remind you that it was unbelievable. "joy" is always among the first words that come to my mind when i think about that summer, but it was full of victories on victories too, whether camper-wise, friendship-wise, or personal me-and-God-wise.
i left that summer so incredibly excited for the next one.
but i did NOT take away the lesson that we're supposed to learn from jericho experiences.
DON'T PRESUME.
or to put it in more specific terms: no amount of victory in your past assures me of victory in my present.
that was the first great mistake of 2011. it hadn't even begun yet and i was already totally assuming "okay, i've got this, last summer rocked, i'm great at what i do, this won't be difficult at all" and other such big-headed thinking. and i completely expected it to go down just as well, if not better, than 2010. i was constantly comparing the two in my head.
2011 was an ai experience. ai is all about "sadness and defeat." there are no two better words for this summer. "sadness" especially for orientation and week 1, (week 2 was actually a randomly thrown in jericho) "defeat" especially for week 3(i have nightmares about that week. i never ever want to think about that week), but the whole summer was full of good amounts of both.
what are we supposed to take from ai?
DON'T DESPAIR.
narrow it down: no amount of defeat in my past need rob me of victory in my present.
and that is the more important lesson of the two, for me at least. i don't struggle so much with getting prideful about my past victories as i do letting past defeats ruin all my other attempts at anything.
on a less important-to-life note, i do this in soccer too: the first shot that comes at me determines how the entire game goes(or even just a practice). if i block it, i have a great game. if i miss it, i lose all confidence i may have had and let in every single shot after.
after week 3 was when i shut down for the whole summer. all my mistakes from that week just haunted me every single day: i'm a bad cabin leader. i don't know how to love my girls or get them to listen to me anymore. maybe i'm not supposed to be here. and i can't sing.(this horrible child told me she hates it when i sing to them at night, and when she said that, four others agreed and said they just hadn't wanted to say anything)
but while that was definitely the worst week of my career, there wasn't a reason in the world for it to affect the rest of the summer. just because i had one bad week doesn't mean the rest couldn't be great. but i kept letting it ruin me. i had plenty of "good" weeks but i couldn't appreciate them because i was too busy worrying about whether i was a failure or not.
plus i didn't want to tell anybody how bad i was struggling because i was afraid to get everyone freaking out. all summer long i had heard nothing but "linda's been here longer than anyone else" "linda knows everything" etc etc. instead of giving me a big head, like this could very easily do, it terrified me. especially when people kept saying those things after i was having such a hard time, i didn't know how to ask anyone to pray for me. so that just added to all the other stress in my life.
i've said so many times that i wasted my summer. but i didn't realize just how much until today. now i'm that much more excited to go back. i know how to deal, and i know how to tell people when i can't deal. and mostly, because(yes, i do realize i'm a broken record) God wants me there. he made me for that place. that unexplainable, borderline-obsessive love i have for it couldn't come from anywhere but God himself.
in the end, i always choose camp. i may pitch a fit about it sometimes, or say crazy things like referring to future staff as "them" instead of "we", but God always knocks sense into my head somehow; sometimes he has to make me super sick and show me how wrong it feels to not be at camp, or sometimes hope has to yell at me, or sometimes one of my campers has to write me an amazing note. but somehow or another, i remember where my home is.
Monday, September 26, 2011
christmas and camp.
today i just got randomly excited about both these favorite things of mine.
both reasons why semester endings don't make me sad at all.
i miss camp. so much. i just want to be back right now. i miss my girls. i miss singing them to sleep at night. i miss loving on them every day and crying when they leave me. i miss worship. i miss chicken fingers. i miss jenna. i miss chi chi. i miss sam. i miss kathleen. i miss ashley. i miss chana. i miss hope. i miss getting notes. i miss hugs. i miss singing the lazy song, or banana pancakes, or cyclone ;]
i miss all the little things. (i never thought that they'd mean everything to me...no. i'm gonna be original this time.)
but it's okay. we'll be back in about 244 days, give or take a few. for now, i'm gonna try to focus on the school that i spent my summer missing.
i've decided i need to get better at being happy with where i am. i miss too many things. it's like wherever i am, i miss someplace else. once i get to the someplace else, i find something new to miss. but i don't like that. it kinda sucks.
i wonder how you do that? it probably requires a lot of being normal...which i'm not good at. ah well.
and there are 90 days until christmas. i guess that's too early to start shopping. but i WANT to. =]
both reasons why semester endings don't make me sad at all.
i miss camp. so much. i just want to be back right now. i miss my girls. i miss singing them to sleep at night. i miss loving on them every day and crying when they leave me. i miss worship. i miss chicken fingers. i miss jenna. i miss chi chi. i miss sam. i miss kathleen. i miss ashley. i miss chana. i miss hope. i miss getting notes. i miss hugs. i miss singing the lazy song, or banana pancakes, or cyclone ;]
i miss all the little things. (i never thought that they'd mean everything to me...no. i'm gonna be original this time.)
but it's okay. we'll be back in about 244 days, give or take a few. for now, i'm gonna try to focus on the school that i spent my summer missing.
i've decided i need to get better at being happy with where i am. i miss too many things. it's like wherever i am, i miss someplace else. once i get to the someplace else, i find something new to miss. but i don't like that. it kinda sucks.
i wonder how you do that? it probably requires a lot of being normal...which i'm not good at. ah well.
and there are 90 days until christmas. i guess that's too early to start shopping. but i WANT to. =]
Saturday, September 24, 2011
no words.
i've never been good at writing about camp. it's just too big.
but i got much worse this summer.
i think camp is like a little sibling. it'll always be with me, whether i like it or not. when i grow up, it grows with me. when i say i hate it, i still love it. i'm just made to love it.
and i do. i never ever stopped. i hate that i didn't realize until summer ended that it's ok to sometimes not LIKE it. i spent too much time wondering if i still loved it and freaking out about how to like it again, and not half enough time just trusting that loving it and doing my job right.
it's like scott. i love him. (although in his case it's not so much the he's-my-brother-and-i'm-biologically-programmed-to kind, more the he's-my-best-friend-and-the-coolest-person-in-the-world kind) anyways. i love him all the time, but sometimes i don't like him. at all. and when that happens, i don't sit and freak out and think "holy crap what's wrong with me, do i not love him? but i WANT to love him, i am SUPPOSED to love him" blah blah blah. it's just part of life. of course i love him; i'm just sick of him. in time, i'll get un-sick of him.
so why do i not treat camp that way? why is it that when things get hard there, i lose my mind and wonder why i don't like it?
but i got much worse this summer.
i think camp is like a little sibling. it'll always be with me, whether i like it or not. when i grow up, it grows with me. when i say i hate it, i still love it. i'm just made to love it.
and i do. i never ever stopped. i hate that i didn't realize until summer ended that it's ok to sometimes not LIKE it. i spent too much time wondering if i still loved it and freaking out about how to like it again, and not half enough time just trusting that loving it and doing my job right.
it's like scott. i love him. (although in his case it's not so much the he's-my-brother-and-i'm-biologically-programmed-to kind, more the he's-my-best-friend-and-the-coolest-person-in-the-world kind) anyways. i love him all the time, but sometimes i don't like him. at all. and when that happens, i don't sit and freak out and think "holy crap what's wrong with me, do i not love him? but i WANT to love him, i am SUPPOSED to love him" blah blah blah. it's just part of life. of course i love him; i'm just sick of him. in time, i'll get un-sick of him.
so why do i not treat camp that way? why is it that when things get hard there, i lose my mind and wonder why i don't like it?
Sunday, September 18, 2011
seasons coming and going.
so. my favorite season?
well...
i LOVE fall. it has my favorite colors and weather, and thanksgiving, and the beach trip, and crunchy leaves to step on or jump in, and pumpkin bread, and homemade soup, and north vs south.
i like winter, even though i hate how cold it is. but it has christmas. and christmas cookies, christmas trees, christmas movies, and christmas presents(to give; i never really care what i get). and more homemade soup. and boots and cute sweaters. and four weeks of no school. and more football. and the oscars. and slurpees.
i kinda like spring. the weather drives me nuts because it takes so long to get consistently warm, and there's pollen evvvvvvvverywhere(i'm not even allergic to it and i still complain about it). but there's spring break, and ridge haven, and easter, and the end of school, and it means that camp is coming! (that last one is really the only thing i LOVE. the others i love without capital letters)
and summer? i shouldn't have to tell you about that one. i mean, it starts with a couple weeks of no school, and then for the rest of the time i'm at CAMP, and when i'm not there i'm probably having fun adventures at some staffer's house, or going places with leighanne, or just getting to really sleep. plus, it's hot all the time, i'm tan and my highlights come back out, i have my birthday(which i hate but it's worth mentioning), and i have so much more uninterrupted, unrushed Jesus time than when i have school and everything else in the world to distract me.
so really, i actually just can't decide between summer and fall, if i really had to answer the question. basically all that up there just shows that i have no season i totally hate.
i'm thankful that God gives us just enough time with each season to get sick of it, so that we're happy when the next one comes, even if you hate cold weather as much as i do.
well...
i LOVE fall. it has my favorite colors and weather, and thanksgiving, and the beach trip, and crunchy leaves to step on or jump in, and pumpkin bread, and homemade soup, and north vs south.
i like winter, even though i hate how cold it is. but it has christmas. and christmas cookies, christmas trees, christmas movies, and christmas presents(to give; i never really care what i get). and more homemade soup. and boots and cute sweaters. and four weeks of no school. and more football. and the oscars. and slurpees.
i kinda like spring. the weather drives me nuts because it takes so long to get consistently warm, and there's pollen evvvvvvvverywhere(i'm not even allergic to it and i still complain about it). but there's spring break, and ridge haven, and easter, and the end of school, and it means that camp is coming! (that last one is really the only thing i LOVE. the others i love without capital letters)
and summer? i shouldn't have to tell you about that one. i mean, it starts with a couple weeks of no school, and then for the rest of the time i'm at CAMP, and when i'm not there i'm probably having fun adventures at some staffer's house, or going places with leighanne, or just getting to really sleep. plus, it's hot all the time, i'm tan and my highlights come back out, i have my birthday(which i hate but it's worth mentioning), and i have so much more uninterrupted, unrushed Jesus time than when i have school and everything else in the world to distract me.
so really, i actually just can't decide between summer and fall, if i really had to answer the question. basically all that up there just shows that i have no season i totally hate.
i'm thankful that God gives us just enough time with each season to get sick of it, so that we're happy when the next one comes, even if you hate cold weather as much as i do.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
so weird.
for about two minutes, just now, i was mentally listing the things i need to do before 4:30 when i head back to camp.
then reality hit me like a train and reminded me that it's been six weeks. i'm not going back to camp until june.
i wonder if i'm going crazy, or if it's just that dr crutchfield's theory about not properly grieving, and how it does things to you, is right. he says you HAVE to cry, and you HAVE to talk about it, and you have to do that as soon as possible.
not that "grieving" is the right word, but i'm one of those people who really really needs closure, with anything. things need to sink in or they mess me up.
maybe i just swept it under the rug too soon this year. maybe i actually NEED to cry and mope for a weekend when i first get back. that's what i've always done before, and it's always got good and sunk in, and okay with me, that it was over.
why didn't they tell me that the day we left???
then reality hit me like a train and reminded me that it's been six weeks. i'm not going back to camp until june.
i wonder if i'm going crazy, or if it's just that dr crutchfield's theory about not properly grieving, and how it does things to you, is right. he says you HAVE to cry, and you HAVE to talk about it, and you have to do that as soon as possible.
not that "grieving" is the right word, but i'm one of those people who really really needs closure, with anything. things need to sink in or they mess me up.
maybe i just swept it under the rug too soon this year. maybe i actually NEED to cry and mope for a weekend when i first get back. that's what i've always done before, and it's always got good and sunk in, and okay with me, that it was over.
why didn't they tell me that the day we left???
Saturday, September 3, 2011
what *camp la vida* ought to do for you.
my friend who's a younglife leader tweeted a link to this blog post. it of course said "what being in younglife ministry ought to do for you", but i read it and every word also applies to camp(and actually any ministry).
i wish i had read this this summer.
---------------
It ought to be so unreachably big that you can only see it
through the eyes of Christ by faith.
It ought to be harder than you can handle on your own
so as to make you more dependent on God.
It ought to give you enough disappointments
to make you humble and break your spiritual pride.
It ought to be difficult enough to make you weep
for others that you might become more compassionate.
It ought to have enough demanding,insensitive,
ungrateful people in it to teach you to love like Jesus loves.
It ought to have enough impossible,insurmountable
obstacles in it to teach you the goodness and power of God.
It ought to teach you how to love when you’re tired,
give when you’re spent and pray when you’re weary.
It ought to teach you how to turn your mourning into dancing,
your sadness into joy and your sorrow into laughter.
It ought to teach you the power and truth of God’s word,
the strength of His voice and the might of His commands.
It ought to teach you to love the only One worthy of all our love;
the One who became poor that we might become rich;
the One who became sin that we might become the righteousness of God.
A true ministry is the ministry that helps you become:
more like Jesus Christ
more in love with God
more in love with people.
-----------------------
was that how your summer went?
i wish i had read this this summer.
---------------
It ought to be so unreachably big that you can only see it
through the eyes of Christ by faith.
It ought to be harder than you can handle on your own
so as to make you more dependent on God.
It ought to give you enough disappointments
to make you humble and break your spiritual pride.
It ought to be difficult enough to make you weep
for others that you might become more compassionate.
It ought to have enough demanding,insensitive,
ungrateful people in it to teach you to love like Jesus loves.
It ought to have enough impossible,insurmountable
obstacles in it to teach you the goodness and power of God.
It ought to teach you how to love when you’re tired,
give when you’re spent and pray when you’re weary.
It ought to teach you how to turn your mourning into dancing,
your sadness into joy and your sorrow into laughter.
It ought to teach you the power and truth of God’s word,
the strength of His voice and the might of His commands.
It ought to teach you to love the only One worthy of all our love;
the One who became poor that we might become rich;
the One who became sin that we might become the righteousness of God.
A true ministry is the ministry that helps you become:
more like Jesus Christ
more in love with God
more in love with people.
-----------------------
was that how your summer went?
Saturday, August 27, 2011
if they could see me now...
my friends at camp don't believe that i'm quiet, usually lonely, and mostly invisible, at school.
my friends at school don't believe that i'm loud, happy, energetic, slightly obnoxious, undeservedly famous, and loved half to death by everyone who's had a two minute conversation with me, at camp.
lots of times at camp i'll find myself wondering what my other friends would think if they knew how i am at camp. i'm not sure if they'd wonder why i'm so different at school, or if they'd be thanking God that i keep myself shut up most of the time(because honestly, in any other context i think my camp self gets on the world's nerves). i wish so often that they could see that side of me.
and at school, when i'm missing my camp friends, i imagine what they would say if they showed up one day and saw how i am outside of camp. some would be mad at anyone who doesn't talk to me, some would get all worried and ask me endless questions about why in the world i'm like this, and every one of them would never stop talking about how much all these poor ciu people are missing out on by not knowing who i really am. but mostly they'd just be worried.
it's funny. i don't know why any of this is. i'm happy in both places. but they're so different. i guess it just happened that way.
but i love my life. both ways. =]
my friends at school don't believe that i'm loud, happy, energetic, slightly obnoxious, undeservedly famous, and loved half to death by everyone who's had a two minute conversation with me, at camp.
lots of times at camp i'll find myself wondering what my other friends would think if they knew how i am at camp. i'm not sure if they'd wonder why i'm so different at school, or if they'd be thanking God that i keep myself shut up most of the time(because honestly, in any other context i think my camp self gets on the world's nerves). i wish so often that they could see that side of me.
and at school, when i'm missing my camp friends, i imagine what they would say if they showed up one day and saw how i am outside of camp. some would be mad at anyone who doesn't talk to me, some would get all worried and ask me endless questions about why in the world i'm like this, and every one of them would never stop talking about how much all these poor ciu people are missing out on by not knowing who i really am. but mostly they'd just be worried.
it's funny. i don't know why any of this is. i'm happy in both places. but they're so different. i guess it just happened that way.
but i love my life. both ways. =]
Thursday, August 18, 2011
missing, defined.
i miss you.
these are really heavy words, in my mind. they're important. it bothers me that people use them so much, and expect them in return when they do say them. but the point of this post is not for me to get up on my soap box, don't worry.
if i ever tell you i miss you, i always mean it honestly. i don't say it otherwise. and when i do it means at least one of these things.
i mean that i notice your absence and would rather it not be there.
i mean that you cross my mind once or twice every day, real briefly or sometimes for a long time.
i mean that i wish i could see you or hug you or talk to you or something like that.
i mean that people keep saying things that you and i would have laughed at if we had been together at the time.
i mean that i wish i knew what was happening in your life but haven't heard in a good while.
it's possible, and very okay, to not miss someone. just because you don't miss someone doesn't mean you don't care about them. for instance, i love my family but i don't miss them. i love every one of my camp staff, from no matter how recently, but i don't miss all of them. there are lots of people at school who i love but didn't miss over the summer.
i can love people without missing them, but i never miss anyone unless i love them.
right now i miss camp more than anything. i don't miss everything about it, or everyone there, but in general i miss it, and i do miss a lot of individual people. i can't look at pictures. i definitely can't watch the video. i haven't cried since the sunday after we left, and i don't think about it every second(only a couple times a day when something reminds me of it), or even wish it was still summer, but i do really, really, ache-inside miss it.
and i miss soccer. i miss my team. i miss the ones who graduated and won't play this year. i miss my coach and his speeches. i miss his wife and her cheering us from the side. i miss our fans. i miss the extra inch of height that my cleats give me. i miss blasting 'don't stop believing' after a win while we came down the boulevard. i miss lying in the grass with a ball in my arms and dirt on my face. i miss thanking our fans.
but the thing i love about missing people or things is that it reminds me how thankful i am to have them, and how happy i'll be when i finally get them back. if i never missed anyone, i would never get to give out my signature tackle-hugs. and i would forget how much they meant to me.
so, i if i miss you: i love you. i'm praying for you. you're important to me. and when i see you again, i will have this big happy freakout and everyone around will laugh at me but i won't care. =]
i know i'll see you again, whether far or soon; but i need you to know, that i care, and i miss you.
these are really heavy words, in my mind. they're important. it bothers me that people use them so much, and expect them in return when they do say them. but the point of this post is not for me to get up on my soap box, don't worry.
if i ever tell you i miss you, i always mean it honestly. i don't say it otherwise. and when i do it means at least one of these things.
i mean that i notice your absence and would rather it not be there.
i mean that you cross my mind once or twice every day, real briefly or sometimes for a long time.
i mean that i wish i could see you or hug you or talk to you or something like that.
i mean that people keep saying things that you and i would have laughed at if we had been together at the time.
i mean that i wish i knew what was happening in your life but haven't heard in a good while.
it's possible, and very okay, to not miss someone. just because you don't miss someone doesn't mean you don't care about them. for instance, i love my family but i don't miss them. i love every one of my camp staff, from no matter how recently, but i don't miss all of them. there are lots of people at school who i love but didn't miss over the summer.
i can love people without missing them, but i never miss anyone unless i love them.
right now i miss camp more than anything. i don't miss everything about it, or everyone there, but in general i miss it, and i do miss a lot of individual people. i can't look at pictures. i definitely can't watch the video. i haven't cried since the sunday after we left, and i don't think about it every second(only a couple times a day when something reminds me of it), or even wish it was still summer, but i do really, really, ache-inside miss it.
and i miss soccer. i miss my team. i miss the ones who graduated and won't play this year. i miss my coach and his speeches. i miss his wife and her cheering us from the side. i miss our fans. i miss the extra inch of height that my cleats give me. i miss blasting 'don't stop believing' after a win while we came down the boulevard. i miss lying in the grass with a ball in my arms and dirt on my face. i miss thanking our fans.
but the thing i love about missing people or things is that it reminds me how thankful i am to have them, and how happy i'll be when i finally get them back. if i never missed anyone, i would never get to give out my signature tackle-hugs. and i would forget how much they meant to me.
so, i if i miss you: i love you. i'm praying for you. you're important to me. and when i see you again, i will have this big happy freakout and everyone around will laugh at me but i won't care. =]
i know i'll see you again, whether far or soon; but i need you to know, that i care, and i miss you.
not what i would choose.
i left my essays on erin's bed, and someone go find sam, i think her walkie's dead.
this is the stuff that makes us go ham, this is the stuff that's makin us all act dumb
in the middle of this drama and crap, i forget that i love camp.
this is the stuff he'll use.
i wrote that one day when i was off for free time. i had been ordered to sleep but wanted to spite them.
this is not the summer i would i have chosen. but it was what God used; for me, for everybody. so i guess when i say this was the worst summer so far, i don't mean that it wasn't good, it was just not as good as 2010, '08, and '09, in that order.
it might be the first summer that i haven't come back saying "that was the best summer of my life", but i can stick plenty of other superlatives onto it.
1. it was the most different.
nothing turned out as i expected. instead of crying as each camper left, i was happy for the time i had with them but ready to let them go. instead of being friends with the whole staff, i was super close with six, knew a few others just a little bit, and the rest i hugged goodbye on the last day wondering if i knew anything about them at all. instead of never needing a break, staying up all hours of the night writing letters because i didn't feel like sleeping yet, and getting up every morning at 6 to have Jesus time before the campers got up, i was tired 90% of the time and grateful for every little break they gave me(though out of habit, and to keep myself from feeling lazy and everyone else from worrying about me, i found myself putting up the usual fight when they ordered me to take a nap). and instead of dreading the end of summer, i couldn't wait to close the book on camp and get back to school.
2. it was the most challenging.
as said earlier, i was ALWAYS tired. i've never had to dig so deep for energy except maybe freshman year. it took more of an effort to sing all the songs over and over with the same enthusiasm as the week before. there was more drama than usual, and it bothered me more than in most years. camp used to be easy; this year i had to work at it. it was worth it, and i'd do it again tomorrow, but it was hard to wrap my mind around at first.
3. it was the one that taught me the most.
these are all big things with lots of details and sub-lessons. but in a nutshell: God taught me that i do need people, that he uses everything, that things need to change sometimes, that he knows what i need better than i do, and that i don't ever need to leave camp anytime soon. he wants me here. and i want to stay.
4. it was the most important.
i haven't told many people this, but i didn't really want to come back this year. it wasn't anything against camp; i don't want to possibly get myself into trouble by explaining the situation too much, but basically i was just sick of having to fight for it. i was rolling over and giving up, and successfully convinced myself that i would rather stay home, take summer classes, learn to drive, and go church shopping. i had the whole plan, and i was happy with it, as long as i didn't think about what i would be missing out on.
then, through a long turn of events, God reopened the door to camp and i knew i had to go back. i was mad at him at first, but a few days before i left, i felt super dumb and realized that of COURSE i wanted to be at camp.
all summer long, i kept wondering if i had heard right. if God really had wanted me here this year, or if last year was so great because it was supposed to be my last. little hints just kept coming to me, and by our 4th of july break, i had decided that i probably wouldn't come back next year.
but that would be stupid. the second half was different. well actually it was the same, but i was responding to it differently. in the same way that the first half was spent feeling more and more like i wasn't supposed to be here, the second half kept showing me that God has me in the perfect place, what a selfish, lazy, proud, ungrateful hypocrite i was, and that i needed to do less whining and more listening.
i think i was just having growing pains all summer. now next year will be even better.
the fun lists will come soon...i hope school doesn't pick up too fast because i'll forget to do them. =]
this is the stuff that makes us go ham, this is the stuff that's makin us all act dumb
in the middle of this drama and crap, i forget that i love camp.
this is the stuff he'll use.
i wrote that one day when i was off for free time. i had been ordered to sleep but wanted to spite them.
this is not the summer i would i have chosen. but it was what God used; for me, for everybody. so i guess when i say this was the worst summer so far, i don't mean that it wasn't good, it was just not as good as 2010, '08, and '09, in that order.
it might be the first summer that i haven't come back saying "that was the best summer of my life", but i can stick plenty of other superlatives onto it.
1. it was the most different.
nothing turned out as i expected. instead of crying as each camper left, i was happy for the time i had with them but ready to let them go. instead of being friends with the whole staff, i was super close with six, knew a few others just a little bit, and the rest i hugged goodbye on the last day wondering if i knew anything about them at all. instead of never needing a break, staying up all hours of the night writing letters because i didn't feel like sleeping yet, and getting up every morning at 6 to have Jesus time before the campers got up, i was tired 90% of the time and grateful for every little break they gave me(though out of habit, and to keep myself from feeling lazy and everyone else from worrying about me, i found myself putting up the usual fight when they ordered me to take a nap). and instead of dreading the end of summer, i couldn't wait to close the book on camp and get back to school.
2. it was the most challenging.
as said earlier, i was ALWAYS tired. i've never had to dig so deep for energy except maybe freshman year. it took more of an effort to sing all the songs over and over with the same enthusiasm as the week before. there was more drama than usual, and it bothered me more than in most years. camp used to be easy; this year i had to work at it. it was worth it, and i'd do it again tomorrow, but it was hard to wrap my mind around at first.
3. it was the one that taught me the most.
these are all big things with lots of details and sub-lessons. but in a nutshell: God taught me that i do need people, that he uses everything, that things need to change sometimes, that he knows what i need better than i do, and that i don't ever need to leave camp anytime soon. he wants me here. and i want to stay.
4. it was the most important.
i haven't told many people this, but i didn't really want to come back this year. it wasn't anything against camp; i don't want to possibly get myself into trouble by explaining the situation too much, but basically i was just sick of having to fight for it. i was rolling over and giving up, and successfully convinced myself that i would rather stay home, take summer classes, learn to drive, and go church shopping. i had the whole plan, and i was happy with it, as long as i didn't think about what i would be missing out on.
then, through a long turn of events, God reopened the door to camp and i knew i had to go back. i was mad at him at first, but a few days before i left, i felt super dumb and realized that of COURSE i wanted to be at camp.
all summer long, i kept wondering if i had heard right. if God really had wanted me here this year, or if last year was so great because it was supposed to be my last. little hints just kept coming to me, and by our 4th of july break, i had decided that i probably wouldn't come back next year.
but that would be stupid. the second half was different. well actually it was the same, but i was responding to it differently. in the same way that the first half was spent feeling more and more like i wasn't supposed to be here, the second half kept showing me that God has me in the perfect place, what a selfish, lazy, proud, ungrateful hypocrite i was, and that i needed to do less whining and more listening.
i think i was just having growing pains all summer. now next year will be even better.
the fun lists will come soon...i hope school doesn't pick up too fast because i'll forget to do them. =]
Saturday, August 6, 2011
the end.
i always think it's super corny when movies flash the words "the end" at the end. do they think the audience won't guess that by just having the credits roll?
but in the case of camp, i do wish it had a clear-cut THE END.
yesterday as soon as we got in the car, sam asked if it's always this hard to leave. i said no; it gets harder. so for all of you first years, this is the easiest it will ever be.
my first summer, i knew i would be back. but i still cried. i told myself it would be easier the next year.
'09 rolls around. and it was worse, because after all that had gone on that summer, i wasn't sure i wanted to ever come back.
as everyone had predicted, i got over it and came back for a third year. it was and still is the best summer of my life. it was the most perfect camp experience anyone could imagine. and so it was also the hardest to leave, because i knew it would never be the same.
this year? well, nothing about it makes sense to me, so naturally it would top last summer for hardest ending ever.
some people have commented that i haven't talked about camp much when i'm home. i always jump to ask other people about their summers so i won't have to say much about mine. (ironically, i usually hate being around my non-camp friends during the summer because they don't care about camp; now when i don't WANT to be asked about it, everyone does)
actually that's a lie. it's not that i don't want to talk about it, it's that i'm never sure what to say about it. to people outside of camp, they wouldn't understand why anything was a big deal; to people inside of camp, they would worry about me, and i hate for people to do that.
i haven't even been able to write about it. my journal is mostly empty. when something is so complicated to where i can't even write, i feel like i'm going crazy. i don't know how to deal with things aside from writing about them.
i went into this summer telling myself, i don't need people; i just need God. people cause drama. people hurt me. people make it hard to leave. my summer will be for God and the campers and i am NOT going to let the staff affect me.
but God had different plans.
i am a people person. God knows this; he made me that way. it is not a bad thing that i love people and get attached to them and miss the crap out of them when they're gone, and it's definitely not a bad thing that i'm encouraged by them and that they help me so much to have a good summer. for me, part of leaning on God IS leaning on people, because God gives them to me.
i didn't understand that until wednesday of the last week. but now i do. and i wish next summer could start tomorrow, so i could do it right.
but in the case of camp, i do wish it had a clear-cut THE END.
yesterday as soon as we got in the car, sam asked if it's always this hard to leave. i said no; it gets harder. so for all of you first years, this is the easiest it will ever be.
my first summer, i knew i would be back. but i still cried. i told myself it would be easier the next year.
'09 rolls around. and it was worse, because after all that had gone on that summer, i wasn't sure i wanted to ever come back.
as everyone had predicted, i got over it and came back for a third year. it was and still is the best summer of my life. it was the most perfect camp experience anyone could imagine. and so it was also the hardest to leave, because i knew it would never be the same.
this year? well, nothing about it makes sense to me, so naturally it would top last summer for hardest ending ever.
some people have commented that i haven't talked about camp much when i'm home. i always jump to ask other people about their summers so i won't have to say much about mine. (ironically, i usually hate being around my non-camp friends during the summer because they don't care about camp; now when i don't WANT to be asked about it, everyone does)
actually that's a lie. it's not that i don't want to talk about it, it's that i'm never sure what to say about it. to people outside of camp, they wouldn't understand why anything was a big deal; to people inside of camp, they would worry about me, and i hate for people to do that.
i haven't even been able to write about it. my journal is mostly empty. when something is so complicated to where i can't even write, i feel like i'm going crazy. i don't know how to deal with things aside from writing about them.
i went into this summer telling myself, i don't need people; i just need God. people cause drama. people hurt me. people make it hard to leave. my summer will be for God and the campers and i am NOT going to let the staff affect me.
but God had different plans.
i am a people person. God knows this; he made me that way. it is not a bad thing that i love people and get attached to them and miss the crap out of them when they're gone, and it's definitely not a bad thing that i'm encouraged by them and that they help me so much to have a good summer. for me, part of leaning on God IS leaning on people, because God gives them to me.
i didn't understand that until wednesday of the last week. but now i do. and i wish next summer could start tomorrow, so i could do it right.
Friday, August 5, 2011
remember when...
remember when we thought that craft was fun?
or when sarah fell in the lake and everyone knew within a half hour?
or when we were conserving water? ;]
or when cindy nations broke a perfectly good bench?
or when our yellow shirts went missing?
or when we went to waffle house? ;]
or when amanda lost her bag and had a mental breakdown?
or when we got churros?
or when jason...[fill in the blank with every little thing he did to rock our week]?
or when brittany got pushed in the pool?
or when the yogurt skit was still part of talent show?
or when loyda gave chi chi yet another nickname?
or when we all still liked camp songs?
or when chi chi was a bully?
or when cabin 14 had the best cabin call ever?
or when hope and corbitt slept in?
remember sadie?
and faith?
and eden?
and leala?
and alexis?
and way?
and all those twins?
i do. and i miss it.
or when sarah fell in the lake and everyone knew within a half hour?
or when we were conserving water? ;]
or when cindy nations broke a perfectly good bench?
or when our yellow shirts went missing?
or when we went to waffle house? ;]
or when amanda lost her bag and had a mental breakdown?
or when we got churros?
or when jason...[fill in the blank with every little thing he did to rock our week]?
or when brittany got pushed in the pool?
or when the yogurt skit was still part of talent show?
or when loyda gave chi chi yet another nickname?
or when we all still liked camp songs?
or when chi chi was a bully?
or when cabin 14 had the best cabin call ever?
or when hope and corbitt slept in?
remember sadie?
and faith?
and eden?
and leala?
and alexis?
and way?
and all those twins?
i do. and i miss it.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
i know you hate this one, but this is where the story ends.
oh, btdubz, it is our last week. our LAST week.
now is not the time to suddenly remember that i love it here.* and i don't have enough time left.
ok i'm going to bed, i have campers to love, staffers to write to and pictures to take.
and since everyone loves my funny stories, here's one for the road.
this morning, my alarm went off. i reached for the snooze button, and in my drowsy state, i hit the off switch instead.(ironically, i had set it ten minutes early so i could hit snooze an extra time) this wouldn't have been so tragic if it didn't happen on the one day that erin's alarm fails to go off at all. so corbitt comes in at 7:11 and lets me know that i've slept in. i'm rushing around the cabin getting the girls up, tellin them i've never been the last to flags and we can't be late, and we still end up being the first.
so the girls were picking at me about it all day, but finally, it's bible study time and we're going over the memory verse. one girl asks me "do we have to learn the 113:3-4 part?" and i say "yes, it's good to know where things are!" and she says "like the snooze button on your alarm?" we were all busting out laughing, and then another one says "miss linda you just got BURNED!"
*my wanting to be at school is VERY distracting. it's not that i ever hated camp or anything.
now is not the time to suddenly remember that i love it here.* and i don't have enough time left.
ok i'm going to bed, i have campers to love, staffers to write to and pictures to take.
and since everyone loves my funny stories, here's one for the road.
this morning, my alarm went off. i reached for the snooze button, and in my drowsy state, i hit the off switch instead.(ironically, i had set it ten minutes early so i could hit snooze an extra time) this wouldn't have been so tragic if it didn't happen on the one day that erin's alarm fails to go off at all. so corbitt comes in at 7:11 and lets me know that i've slept in. i'm rushing around the cabin getting the girls up, tellin them i've never been the last to flags and we can't be late, and we still end up being the first.
so the girls were picking at me about it all day, but finally, it's bible study time and we're going over the memory verse. one girl asks me "do we have to learn the 113:3-4 part?" and i say "yes, it's good to know where things are!" and she says "like the snooze button on your alarm?" we were all busting out laughing, and then another one says "miss linda you just got BURNED!"
*my wanting to be at school is VERY distracting. it's not that i ever hated camp or anything.
Friday, July 22, 2011
everything is okay.
i miss school. i miss my roommates, i miss my teachers, i miss learning, i miss homework, i miss running every day, i miss my room.
but i'm not there yet. i'm still at camp. and i'm happy about that, but i'm not used to missing anything while i'm here. no part of me ever looks forward to leaving. i've actually said things along the lines of "rrrrrr i miss jamie, can we just fast forward the rest of summer?" more than once. joking of course. i love camp. i want to be here. but it'll be weird to not be totally broken when i have to leave again.
this is probably how most people feel about camp. maybe this is normal and healthy. and i'm not normal and healthy about many things...but i can get used to anything.
i'm realizing that it's okay to feel okay about not being here every single second. if i go a day or two without thinking about it, it won't mean that i love it any less. it just means i finally have other places that feel like home.
which is still weird. but it is okay.
i've been telling myself that a lot. or more like, God has been telling me that a lot. or trying. it took five wasted weeks for me to finally hear but...it's okay.
it's okay that i don't have answers for everybody.
it's okay that i've been here four years and have no desire to be a unit leader.
it's okay that i've been here four years and don't feel like i know anything more than i did when i was sixteen.
it's okay that i get tired sometimes.
it's okay if i ask for help now and then.
it's okay that i can't always give my campers everything they need.
it's okay that my campers don't always love me.
it's okay if not everyone on staff loves me.
it's okay if sometimes i actually want to be out of camp.
it's even okay if sometimes i wonder why God has me here.
(now a lot of this, i only know in my head. most of them haven't sunk down to my heart yet, but at least i know that God wants me to believe them)
but none of this is okay if i'm not focused on God through it all.
and i am. finally.
i still don't understand so many things. i pray for answers every night until my head hurts. the only thing i'm sure of, is that i'm obeying and God is working. and if i focus on that, instead of the fact that i have no idea what's going on, then i'm okay.
but i'm not there yet. i'm still at camp. and i'm happy about that, but i'm not used to missing anything while i'm here. no part of me ever looks forward to leaving. i've actually said things along the lines of "rrrrrr i miss jamie, can we just fast forward the rest of summer?" more than once. joking of course. i love camp. i want to be here. but it'll be weird to not be totally broken when i have to leave again.
this is probably how most people feel about camp. maybe this is normal and healthy. and i'm not normal and healthy about many things...but i can get used to anything.
i'm realizing that it's okay to feel okay about not being here every single second. if i go a day or two without thinking about it, it won't mean that i love it any less. it just means i finally have other places that feel like home.
which is still weird. but it is okay.
i've been telling myself that a lot. or more like, God has been telling me that a lot. or trying. it took five wasted weeks for me to finally hear but...it's okay.
it's okay that i don't have answers for everybody.
it's okay that i've been here four years and have no desire to be a unit leader.
it's okay that i've been here four years and don't feel like i know anything more than i did when i was sixteen.
it's okay that i get tired sometimes.
it's okay if i ask for help now and then.
it's okay that i can't always give my campers everything they need.
it's okay that my campers don't always love me.
it's okay if not everyone on staff loves me.
it's okay if sometimes i actually want to be out of camp.
it's even okay if sometimes i wonder why God has me here.
(now a lot of this, i only know in my head. most of them haven't sunk down to my heart yet, but at least i know that God wants me to believe them)
but none of this is okay if i'm not focused on God through it all.
and i am. finally.
i still don't understand so many things. i pray for answers every night until my head hurts. the only thing i'm sure of, is that i'm obeying and God is working. and if i focus on that, instead of the fact that i have no idea what's going on, then i'm okay.
i love...
waking the dead=among the best Jesus books i ever read. i'm only reading one subsection a day so that it'll last all summer, plus i have no time to read full chapters in one sitting.
in this one chapter, it says to make a list, not prioritized or organized in any way, of everything you love.
and so i did. it took my entire break when i could have been playing in the rain...but it was fun.
i love my bed.
i love long showers.
i love water.
i love sam.
i love my bible.
i love getting notes.
i love hugs.
i love my campers.
i love camp.
i love unit 2.
i love to sing.
i love country fried steak.
i love sunrises.
i love sleeping without dreaming.
i love baseball.
i love hope.
i love sitting in the office when no campers are here.
i love to write.
i love cabins 5 and 6.
i love jenna.
i love winning cabin capers.
i love summer.
i love the lake.
i love to cuddle.
i love southern accents.
i love ciu.
i love to pray.
i love books.
i love soccer.
i love to think.
i love making lists.
i love psychology.
i love people.
i love missionaries.
i love south carolina.
i love six flags.
i love to laugh.
i love netflix.
i love life.
i love to listen.
i love old tv shows.
i love the beach.
i love downtown charleston.
i love being myself.
i love my brain.
i love ADD.
i love warm weather.
i love blue slushies.
i love christmas.
i love puppies.
i love to dance.
i love music that makes me think.
i love quotes.
i love my brothers.
i love red cars.
i love to worship.
i love people.
i love fireworks.
i love my birthday at camp.
i love my roommates.
i love to encourage people.
i love being encouraged.
i love making things.
i love running.
i love being outside.
i love rain.
i love jumping in leaves.
i love popcorn flavored jelly beans.
i love to talk.
i love to listen.
i love my cat.
i love pictures.
i love the ocean.
i love the food network.
i love being random.
i love road trips.
i love sundays.
i love yoghut.
i love to love people.
i love ella's facial expressions.
i love mornings in walker B5.
i love being allowed to have a walkie, or the keys to the boathouse.
i love tv.
i love the wizard of oz.
(then it was 7:40 and i needed to meet my cabin...but i could have gone on.)
in this one chapter, it says to make a list, not prioritized or organized in any way, of everything you love.
and so i did. it took my entire break when i could have been playing in the rain...but it was fun.
i love my bed.
i love long showers.
i love water.
i love sam.
i love my bible.
i love getting notes.
i love hugs.
i love my campers.
i love camp.
i love unit 2.
i love to sing.
i love country fried steak.
i love sunrises.
i love sleeping without dreaming.
i love baseball.
i love hope.
i love sitting in the office when no campers are here.
i love to write.
i love cabins 5 and 6.
i love jenna.
i love winning cabin capers.
i love summer.
i love the lake.
i love to cuddle.
i love southern accents.
i love ciu.
i love to pray.
i love books.
i love soccer.
i love to think.
i love making lists.
i love psychology.
i love people.
i love missionaries.
i love south carolina.
i love six flags.
i love to laugh.
i love netflix.
i love life.
i love to listen.
i love old tv shows.
i love the beach.
i love downtown charleston.
i love being myself.
i love my brain.
i love ADD.
i love warm weather.
i love blue slushies.
i love christmas.
i love puppies.
i love to dance.
i love music that makes me think.
i love quotes.
i love my brothers.
i love red cars.
i love to worship.
i love people.
i love fireworks.
i love my birthday at camp.
i love my roommates.
i love to encourage people.
i love being encouraged.
i love making things.
i love running.
i love being outside.
i love rain.
i love jumping in leaves.
i love popcorn flavored jelly beans.
i love to talk.
i love to listen.
i love my cat.
i love pictures.
i love the ocean.
i love the food network.
i love being random.
i love road trips.
i love sundays.
i love yoghut.
i love to love people.
i love ella's facial expressions.
i love mornings in walker B5.
i love being allowed to have a walkie, or the keys to the boathouse.
i love tv.
i love the wizard of oz.
(then it was 7:40 and i needed to meet my cabin...but i could have gone on.)
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
three more weeks.
early in the summer, someone said "yall, we have three weeks until break." it sounded like a year away.
then sunday night i walked into multipurpose for staff worship, and i thought, "we have three more weeks of this."
and this time i cried.
in three weeks we'll be out of the gate and out of each other's lives.
it seems long at the beginning.
but from this angle, three weeks is a heartbeat.
and it's not long enough.
then sunday night i walked into multipurpose for staff worship, and i thought, "we have three more weeks of this."
and this time i cried.
in three weeks we'll be out of the gate and out of each other's lives.
it seems long at the beginning.
but from this angle, three weeks is a heartbeat.
and it's not long enough.
Saturday, July 9, 2011
cabin leader voices.
the fun-loud-excited-ten-shades-of-crazy-with-an-undertone-of-responsible-adult one, switching every now and then to the experienced-and-capable-of-keeping-your-child-alive-for-a-week one. both are used during registration time; the first is for the campers, the second is for parents/leaders/etc, although the first is used with them sometimes.
the authoritative-but-fun-and-excited-one. used when it's time to put on shoes and go to *insert activity or meal here*, and most often you'll need it in cabin capers. also comes in handy in Bible study sometimes, but you tweak it a bit. you don't want to make it too serious because Bible study shouldn't be a time they associate with getting told what to do.
the soothing-mother-esque one. use this in the morning when you first wake the girls up(before you've cut the light on; once the lights are on it's time to break out the ABE), for homesickers, or with those that are scared during storms.
the slightly-authoritative-but-calm-and-quiet one. used at bedtime.
the very-serious-but-not-yelling one. a last resort. what you use when you have to give the "i'm very disappointed in you" speech, or when the girls refuse to calm down at bedtime, Bible study, rest time, etc. thankfully with most groups no one has to use it very often.(it feels mean, but the girls never take it that way. i only know because every time i use it, i end up apologizing at the end of the day, and they're always like "but you weren't mean!")
the authoritative-but-fun-and-excited-one. used when it's time to put on shoes and go to *insert activity or meal here*, and most often you'll need it in cabin capers. also comes in handy in Bible study sometimes, but you tweak it a bit. you don't want to make it too serious because Bible study shouldn't be a time they associate with getting told what to do.
the soothing-mother-esque one. use this in the morning when you first wake the girls up(before you've cut the light on; once the lights are on it's time to break out the ABE), for homesickers, or with those that are scared during storms.
the slightly-authoritative-but-calm-and-quiet one. used at bedtime.
the very-serious-but-not-yelling one. a last resort. what you use when you have to give the "i'm very disappointed in you" speech, or when the girls refuse to calm down at bedtime, Bible study, rest time, etc. thankfully with most groups no one has to use it very often.(it feels mean, but the girls never take it that way. i only know because every time i use it, i end up apologizing at the end of the day, and they're always like "but you weren't mean!")
camp conflict 101: how to fix things without making drama!
continued from my last post.
i know that sometimes talking to that one person doesn't work. if that happens, take it to your unit leader. if that doesn't work, then, and only then, should you take it to cindy. always try to keep things on the lowest possible level. and never, ever, during any of this process, do you need to talk to any other staff about it. get as few people involved in the problem as possible.
and just a confession on my part, i SUCK at this. i am a firm believer in letting things go away on their own. but since we can't do that at camp, here's what i know to do and most often don't do, and what we can all work on together. i tried hard to make it funny and lighthearted, as opposed to serious and accusing.
here's how it works.
(i'm using jenna in all of these examples, because i know that everyone knows i love jenna, and therefore will not assume that i'm trying to imply that she has issues in real life)
there are professional issues, and there are personal issues. only professional issues need to be taken to anyone besides yourself and the other person. if personal things get spread around, it creates unnecessary drama.
example A: jenna calls me obnoxious. i'm mad at her.
this is personal. i should go to jenna and tell her, in a nice way, how i feel. if she doesn't apologize, i suck it up and deal with it. this is not a major, ongoing issue and so doesn't need to be taken to anyone else.
example B: jenna is constantly telling me what to do and pointing out anything i do wrong, sometimes in front of my campers.
this is kind of personal, but mostly professional because it's affecting my job(and jenna is not doing her job right). either way, it's definitely one of those bigger issues that needs to be taken care of. first, i would go to jenna and tell her what she's doing. if she doesn't seem like she understands, or won't change, i would go up the ladder and go to my unit leader.
example C: i see jenna punch a camper in the face.
this is the only time that it's ok, and legally encouraged, to go straight to cindy before going to anyone else.
(it's fine that you're laughing. that's what that one was for. =] [not that it can't happen. if it does for real, tell cindy right away] )
example D: i notice that jenna, whether she's meaning to or not, yells at her campers a lot.
this is professional, and this one is tricky. there are probably a few ways of going about fixing this, but i would first mention it to her really lightly, almost jokingly, and see what she says. in most cases, most cabin leaders don't mean to yell and don't realize how they're coming across. so with this approach, i don't come across as really accusing, but at the same time, jenna is made aware that what she's doing is a bit of a problem.
if the issue were to continue, i would probably go to her staffer/cit, not in a gossiping way, but to see if she's noticed the issue, since she works more closely with jenna. if they have, i would tell them to go to jenna more seriously, and tell her exactly what's wrong and how she can try to fix it. and i might let her unit leader know, just so she can be watching and helping her out.
lastly: if you aren't doing it for the right reasons, confrontation can make things worse. so please, if you can't be loving about it, then wait. pray about it first, and fix things with that other person as soon as your heart is right.
if it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.
romans 12:18
i know that sometimes talking to that one person doesn't work. if that happens, take it to your unit leader. if that doesn't work, then, and only then, should you take it to cindy. always try to keep things on the lowest possible level. and never, ever, during any of this process, do you need to talk to any other staff about it. get as few people involved in the problem as possible.
and just a confession on my part, i SUCK at this. i am a firm believer in letting things go away on their own. but since we can't do that at camp, here's what i know to do and most often don't do, and what we can all work on together. i tried hard to make it funny and lighthearted, as opposed to serious and accusing.
here's how it works.
(i'm using jenna in all of these examples, because i know that everyone knows i love jenna, and therefore will not assume that i'm trying to imply that she has issues in real life)
there are professional issues, and there are personal issues. only professional issues need to be taken to anyone besides yourself and the other person. if personal things get spread around, it creates unnecessary drama.
example A: jenna calls me obnoxious. i'm mad at her.
this is personal. i should go to jenna and tell her, in a nice way, how i feel. if she doesn't apologize, i suck it up and deal with it. this is not a major, ongoing issue and so doesn't need to be taken to anyone else.
example B: jenna is constantly telling me what to do and pointing out anything i do wrong, sometimes in front of my campers.
this is kind of personal, but mostly professional because it's affecting my job(and jenna is not doing her job right). either way, it's definitely one of those bigger issues that needs to be taken care of. first, i would go to jenna and tell her what she's doing. if she doesn't seem like she understands, or won't change, i would go up the ladder and go to my unit leader.
example C: i see jenna punch a camper in the face.
this is the only time that it's ok, and legally encouraged, to go straight to cindy before going to anyone else.
(it's fine that you're laughing. that's what that one was for. =] [not that it can't happen. if it does for real, tell cindy right away] )
example D: i notice that jenna, whether she's meaning to or not, yells at her campers a lot.
this is professional, and this one is tricky. there are probably a few ways of going about fixing this, but i would first mention it to her really lightly, almost jokingly, and see what she says. in most cases, most cabin leaders don't mean to yell and don't realize how they're coming across. so with this approach, i don't come across as really accusing, but at the same time, jenna is made aware that what she's doing is a bit of a problem.
if the issue were to continue, i would probably go to her staffer/cit, not in a gossiping way, but to see if she's noticed the issue, since she works more closely with jenna. if they have, i would tell them to go to jenna more seriously, and tell her exactly what's wrong and how she can try to fix it. and i might let her unit leader know, just so she can be watching and helping her out.
lastly: if you aren't doing it for the right reasons, confrontation can make things worse. so please, if you can't be loving about it, then wait. pray about it first, and fix things with that other person as soon as your heart is right.
if it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.
romans 12:18
priority...unity.
remember at the beginning, in orientation? think really far. before the drama, before the cliques, before the talent show at our last mother-daughter. the night cici led our first staff devotion, and this question flashed up on the screen:
WHAT WOULD DEFINE A SUCCESSFUL SUMMER FOR YOU?
i had no idea how to answer. probably most of us didn't; it's a hard question. but i was surprised at myself because everyone turned and asked me what i thought, since, as i've been reminded too many times, i've been here longer than anyone else and apparently should know everything(sidenote, i hate that) but, i really didn't know.
like with most things though, i started writing, and found i had a lot more thoughts than i would have guessed. only in this case, i drew a little bit too.
we hear all the time about how camp is for the camper. which is all very true. but i think sometimes we hear that statement so much that it can seem like they're trying to tell us that they are the only thing that matters. i've been talking with God a lot about that this week. how do you explain the balance? this is what i figured out. we have four priorities at camp. they work like a funnel.
you start with God.
camp is about God, for God, because of God. yes, we're here for the campers, but if we aren't first focused on God, then anything we do in the name of "camp is for the camper" won't really be for anything. you can do a little bit of good, but you'll be doing it all on your own, and for either your own or someone else's agendas. but when you take your day, your week, your whole summer, and you give it to God. you let HIM be your strength, you start talking to HIM about everything that's wrong instead of to the staff, and you lean on HIM to make everything work, when you take time to rest in him every day, and then...everything else just falls into place(1 john 1:7!). in this order.
now the campers come in. when you're focused on God, you know how best to be what your girls need. you have all the love and joy and compassion that they need and want from you, and all the patience and energy that you need to be able to keep doing that every day(isaiah 40:29!). the girls see God spilling out of you all over the place, and so do...
the staff. yes. we are important. anytime they remind us to focus on the campers, they aren't telling us never to focus on each other. because we need each other. God put all of us together for a reason. we're here to love and encourage and support each other. it is NOT a bad thing to have close friends on staff. not at all. it's hard to stress the "camp is for the camper" deal without making it seem like we're saying we shouldn't think about the other staff at all. if you come to the end of a week, and you've loved on your girls and they all had a great week, but you weren't any help or support to the rest of staff, you haven't had a successful week. (but remember, your priority to the staff goes out in concentric circles too. starting with your own cit/staffer, then your roommate and their staffer, then the rest of your unit, then your "sister" unit, then anyone else) we NEED to be here for each other, but lately we've been leaning on each other in all the wrong ways. more on that later.
even after all this, there's still one other thing you need to take care of.
yes. yourself. you can be pouring all the Jesus in the world into your girls, and be an encouragement to the staff all week long, but if you're not taking care of yourself, then you aren't doing your job right either. if you aren't getting your rest(i know i know. i'm...preaching to the choir is it? or i'll just say it in nonmetaphorical words, i am a HYPOCRITE), then you won't be as effective as God wants you to be. he wants you to rest. he never said you had to knock yourself out and get all drained every day in order to do his work. it's ok to slow down sometimes. we NEED to slow down sometimes.(matthew 11:28, psalm 62:1, mark 6:31, psalm 127:2, hebrews 4:11 etc) and most importantly. have your quiet time. you can be feeding your girls up spiritually all week long, but if you aren't taking time to feed yourself, then you aren't accomplishing half what you could be.
ps, you need to get your ear drops. please, please, please get your ear drops, and go to sleep at night. or else you'll get awful sick and have to leave for three days and it will SUCK.
so. what defines a successful summer? one where those four are in that ideal balance. and notice that as you add a new circle, the circle before it gets bigger. so when you pour into your campers in the right way, it brings you even more to God. and especially this one: when you focus on the staff in the right way, you have even more to give the campers. see?
now. i'm probably about to stomp all over a whole lot of toes. and i know 90% of everyone will hate me after this, but it needs to be said. and i've prayed very very hard about how to say it, so if i hurt anyone, i swear it isn't at all on purpose. i'm not talking down to anyone, i'm not blaming everyone, and i am most definitely not claiming to have been a good example of what i'm about to ramble about(you'll notice that i'm very careful to always say "we", because i am just as guilty[and more so in some ways] as anyone else).
we are a family. whether we want to be or not, we are. we're a dysfunctional family with all kinds of problems, i'll admit, but a family nonetheless. just like in our real families, we don't get to choose who they are. to quote one of my favorite movies ever, "you are born into a family. you do not join them like you do the marines."
we don't have to like each other all the time, but God does say we need to love each other. this is one of my favorite camp-staff-related verses.
"and above all these virtues, put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity."-colossians 3:14
hold the phone. i just noticed, "them" is referring to the other 'virtues' paul talked about earlier in the passage, it isn't about the body of Christ. so it isn't quite as perfectly applicable as i thought it was...that's sad. but it's okay, i found another one.
"may they be brought to complete unity, to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me."-john 17:23b
see? if we aren't unified, we can't serve the girls the way God wants us to.
and finally, my favorite midsummer verse, that i give to all the staff after this break every year:
"let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the body of believers."-galatians 6:9-10
actually this is just one of my favorite verses period, not just for summer. it's so GOOD. check this stuff out.
--let us not become weary in doing good...
how many of yall are weary? i am.
i have been since the fourth day of staff training. and i know we all were right before we left. we are weary, and it is hurting us. but we are doing good. and that is exactly why satan is attacking us. he's getting us down, and turning us on each other, because we can do so, much, good. we aren't being the best we can, but we can fix it.
--for at the proper time, we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.
who's wanted to give up at any point this summer? i have.
camp is hard. even in my best summer, it was hard. but big things for God are always hard. we WILL get weary and we WILL want to give up sometimes. but look what happens when we don't? we reap a harvest. in this case, we bless these girls and impact their lives. God will work through us no matter how tired or defeated we are, as long as we trust him to do it. if we're leaning on each other for that strength, he won't use us. yes, it's ok to turn to each other for encouragement, but unless we're ultimately depending on God, we'll fail. God will let one human after another disappoint us until we realize that we're here for him, not for the staff.(i could tell you all kinds of sad stories as to how i learned this. but i promise, the staff can't be why you're here. it won't work.)
also. while it is important for the girls to see us unified, it's not like they come to watch us and learn about how to have good friendships. they come to learn about God and be loved on by us. none of them, not even the acteens, notice or care if we're all in cliques. the campers are not the reason to have or not have close friends on staff.
which brings me to what i promise is my last point...
we haven't been loving each other. we've been tolerating each other if anything, but in a lot of ways we've been downright hateful. i won't give examples, but everyone knows what i'm talking about.
it's ok that we have issues. we're human, and worse, we're girls. of course we're gonna go nuts once a month. it's understandable that conflict is out there, but it is NOT ok that we haven't been handling it the way God tells us to. so, all i will say is this, and if you can't tell it in writing, i am using the very-serious-but-not-yelling tone that i use at lights out when my girls need to LISTEN: if you have a problem with someone, there is NO reason to go and tell half the staff about it, or even just a few people you're close to. it doesn't matter how much you trust them; if they aren't part of the resolution, they don't need to know about it(and the trustworthy ones likely don't want to be hearing it; venting is often just bubble-wrapped gossip.[i use it as my excuse a LOT, but when i think about it, most of the time i really am just gossiping]) because that just makes them part of the problem. if you can't tell the person you have an issue with, my only advice is to get a diary. but don't tell other people. this is not middle school, this is camp la vida. and even though in a way we get to be like kids all summer, we should be able to treat each other like adults, and go straight to the people we need to work things out with.(a second post on this is coming)
ok. *steps off soapbox and re-assumes loving cabin leader tone* that's all. i hope no one hates me, because i love all of yall so much, and i tell people the truth when i love them. that's the only reason i wrote all this. i know we can pull ourselves together and have a great rest of the summer.
and please, please, if you disagree with anything i've said(totally understandable, my feelings won't be hurt), tell me. i hate finding out from other people that i've made someone mad. and i'm sure lots of people will have comments, so come to me. i won't get defensive or start crying or yelling at you, i promise. =]
WHAT WOULD DEFINE A SUCCESSFUL SUMMER FOR YOU?
i had no idea how to answer. probably most of us didn't; it's a hard question. but i was surprised at myself because everyone turned and asked me what i thought, since, as i've been reminded too many times, i've been here longer than anyone else and apparently should know everything(sidenote, i hate that) but, i really didn't know.
like with most things though, i started writing, and found i had a lot more thoughts than i would have guessed. only in this case, i drew a little bit too.
we hear all the time about how camp is for the camper. which is all very true. but i think sometimes we hear that statement so much that it can seem like they're trying to tell us that they are the only thing that matters. i've been talking with God a lot about that this week. how do you explain the balance? this is what i figured out. we have four priorities at camp. they work like a funnel.
you start with God.
camp is about God, for God, because of God. yes, we're here for the campers, but if we aren't first focused on God, then anything we do in the name of "camp is for the camper" won't really be for anything. you can do a little bit of good, but you'll be doing it all on your own, and for either your own or someone else's agendas. but when you take your day, your week, your whole summer, and you give it to God. you let HIM be your strength, you start talking to HIM about everything that's wrong instead of to the staff, and you lean on HIM to make everything work, when you take time to rest in him every day, and then...everything else just falls into place(1 john 1:7!). in this order.
now the campers come in. when you're focused on God, you know how best to be what your girls need. you have all the love and joy and compassion that they need and want from you, and all the patience and energy that you need to be able to keep doing that every day(isaiah 40:29!). the girls see God spilling out of you all over the place, and so do...
the staff. yes. we are important. anytime they remind us to focus on the campers, they aren't telling us never to focus on each other. because we need each other. God put all of us together for a reason. we're here to love and encourage and support each other. it is NOT a bad thing to have close friends on staff. not at all. it's hard to stress the "camp is for the camper" deal without making it seem like we're saying we shouldn't think about the other staff at all. if you come to the end of a week, and you've loved on your girls and they all had a great week, but you weren't any help or support to the rest of staff, you haven't had a successful week. (but remember, your priority to the staff goes out in concentric circles too. starting with your own cit/staffer, then your roommate and their staffer, then the rest of your unit, then your "sister" unit, then anyone else) we NEED to be here for each other, but lately we've been leaning on each other in all the wrong ways. more on that later.
even after all this, there's still one other thing you need to take care of.
yes. yourself. you can be pouring all the Jesus in the world into your girls, and be an encouragement to the staff all week long, but if you're not taking care of yourself, then you aren't doing your job right either. if you aren't getting your rest(i know i know. i'm...preaching to the choir is it? or i'll just say it in nonmetaphorical words, i am a HYPOCRITE), then you won't be as effective as God wants you to be. he wants you to rest. he never said you had to knock yourself out and get all drained every day in order to do his work. it's ok to slow down sometimes. we NEED to slow down sometimes.(matthew 11:28, psalm 62:1, mark 6:31, psalm 127:2, hebrews 4:11 etc) and most importantly. have your quiet time. you can be feeding your girls up spiritually all week long, but if you aren't taking time to feed yourself, then you aren't accomplishing half what you could be.
ps, you need to get your ear drops. please, please, please get your ear drops, and go to sleep at night. or else you'll get awful sick and have to leave for three days and it will SUCK.
so. what defines a successful summer? one where those four are in that ideal balance. and notice that as you add a new circle, the circle before it gets bigger. so when you pour into your campers in the right way, it brings you even more to God. and especially this one: when you focus on the staff in the right way, you have even more to give the campers. see?
now. i'm probably about to stomp all over a whole lot of toes. and i know 90% of everyone will hate me after this, but it needs to be said. and i've prayed very very hard about how to say it, so if i hurt anyone, i swear it isn't at all on purpose. i'm not talking down to anyone, i'm not blaming everyone, and i am most definitely not claiming to have been a good example of what i'm about to ramble about(you'll notice that i'm very careful to always say "we", because i am just as guilty[and more so in some ways] as anyone else).
we are a family. whether we want to be or not, we are. we're a dysfunctional family with all kinds of problems, i'll admit, but a family nonetheless. just like in our real families, we don't get to choose who they are. to quote one of my favorite movies ever, "you are born into a family. you do not join them like you do the marines."
we don't have to like each other all the time, but God does say we need to love each other. this is one of my favorite camp-staff-related verses.
"and above all these virtues, put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity."-colossians 3:14
hold the phone. i just noticed, "them" is referring to the other 'virtues' paul talked about earlier in the passage, it isn't about the body of Christ. so it isn't quite as perfectly applicable as i thought it was...that's sad. but it's okay, i found another one.
"may they be brought to complete unity, to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me."-john 17:23b
see? if we aren't unified, we can't serve the girls the way God wants us to.
and finally, my favorite midsummer verse, that i give to all the staff after this break every year:
"let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the body of believers."-galatians 6:9-10
actually this is just one of my favorite verses period, not just for summer. it's so GOOD. check this stuff out.
--let us not become weary in doing good...
how many of yall are weary? i am.
i have been since the fourth day of staff training. and i know we all were right before we left. we are weary, and it is hurting us. but we are doing good. and that is exactly why satan is attacking us. he's getting us down, and turning us on each other, because we can do so, much, good. we aren't being the best we can, but we can fix it.
--for at the proper time, we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.
who's wanted to give up at any point this summer? i have.
camp is hard. even in my best summer, it was hard. but big things for God are always hard. we WILL get weary and we WILL want to give up sometimes. but look what happens when we don't? we reap a harvest. in this case, we bless these girls and impact their lives. God will work through us no matter how tired or defeated we are, as long as we trust him to do it. if we're leaning on each other for that strength, he won't use us. yes, it's ok to turn to each other for encouragement, but unless we're ultimately depending on God, we'll fail. God will let one human after another disappoint us until we realize that we're here for him, not for the staff.(i could tell you all kinds of sad stories as to how i learned this. but i promise, the staff can't be why you're here. it won't work.)
also. while it is important for the girls to see us unified, it's not like they come to watch us and learn about how to have good friendships. they come to learn about God and be loved on by us. none of them, not even the acteens, notice or care if we're all in cliques. the campers are not the reason to have or not have close friends on staff.
which brings me to what i promise is my last point...
we haven't been loving each other. we've been tolerating each other if anything, but in a lot of ways we've been downright hateful. i won't give examples, but everyone knows what i'm talking about.
it's ok that we have issues. we're human, and worse, we're girls. of course we're gonna go nuts once a month. it's understandable that conflict is out there, but it is NOT ok that we haven't been handling it the way God tells us to. so, all i will say is this, and if you can't tell it in writing, i am using the very-serious-but-not-yelling tone that i use at lights out when my girls need to LISTEN: if you have a problem with someone, there is NO reason to go and tell half the staff about it, or even just a few people you're close to. it doesn't matter how much you trust them; if they aren't part of the resolution, they don't need to know about it(and the trustworthy ones likely don't want to be hearing it; venting is often just bubble-wrapped gossip.[i use it as my excuse a LOT, but when i think about it, most of the time i really am just gossiping]) because that just makes them part of the problem. if you can't tell the person you have an issue with, my only advice is to get a diary. but don't tell other people. this is not middle school, this is camp la vida. and even though in a way we get to be like kids all summer, we should be able to treat each other like adults, and go straight to the people we need to work things out with.(a second post on this is coming)
ok. *steps off soapbox and re-assumes loving cabin leader tone* that's all. i hope no one hates me, because i love all of yall so much, and i tell people the truth when i love them. that's the only reason i wrote all this. i know we can pull ourselves together and have a great rest of the summer.
and please, please, if you disagree with anything i've said(totally understandable, my feelings won't be hurt), tell me. i hate finding out from other people that i've made someone mad. and i'm sure lots of people will have comments, so come to me. i won't get defensive or start crying or yelling at you, i promise. =]
Sunday, July 3, 2011
missing.
written april 14, for my other blog, and forgotten in my drafts. i see it as a God thing that i found it today.
last night i dreamed about camp. i do that a lot, since i think about it so much, but this was one of the ones that it's hard to wake up from. one where it feels so real that i'm actually shocked when i wake up and realize i'm still here. i was actually trying to wake up from reality, because i figured there was no way i wasn't actually back home a minute ago.
nothing that special happened in it i don't think. i remember no details, no people, just, being there and doing my thing. but that's always enough.
i woke up at 5ish am, crying so hard i was shaking, and i always feel stupid for that. why do i have to miss it so much, all the time? why can't i be happy with being someplace else? it's just the way life works: camp in the summer, real life for ten months, repeat. but i can never seem to adapt to the real life part.
camp has my heart. and i'm so afraid of what i'll be like when the day comes that i don't go back again. i don't know if it would let me take it with me; it loves camp. it won't take too well to leaving.
lately i've been coming to terms with the fact that this won't always be my life. unless i plan on being the director one day(i don't even want to be a unit leader, much less climb even higher. not happening).
if lucy, or heather smith(that's not her name anymore, but it was when she was my unit leader so i still call her it), or britnie reid all had to leave one day, i will too. someday, my time will be up. i pray every august that God will let me have one more year, and that i'll know when it's my last, because i want to be AT camp when i realize that i won't be back. so i can walk through every little bit of it one last time. especially the most important places; the bed in cabin 10 where i was saved, the ropes course where i learned everything i need to know about life, the walk-in refrigerator where we celebrated every week after mopping, the OLS field where i learned how to pee in the woods(serious accomplishment), the lake where me and amber did all our bonding and venting and note-writing(and of course some lifeguarding), and unit 2...oh unit 2.
i annoy myself with how prone to missing things i am. especially with camp. i wish i could go just one day without wishing i was there. one day without being homesick. it's not that i don't love my normal life, or that i sit around all day missing camp. i don't have this debilitating separation anxiety, but there's about 60 seconds a day that i just want to be in my real home, doing what God made me for.
i hear about missionaries who miss their work so much during their stateside time that they almost wish they didn't need a break. in ICS last semester we learned about this one woman, i don't remember her name or what country she worked in, but she went this huge amount of years and never took a furlough. that's how much passion i have for camp, only they make me go home at the end of every summer. if my break between summers were optional, i would live there and never come home. even if there were no campers, no other staff. i would take all my classes online, and when i wasn't busy with school i'd spend the rest of my time hanging with Jesus, walking around praying for the next summer, taking pictures of the lake, raking up the paths through the ropes course so there's less work in orientation week...and whatever else i could think of. i'd get lonely though.
i had a friend once who told me that every time i miss someone, i should pray for them. that way i wouldn't be as sad, and everybody would benefit from what i normally wouldn't like. maybe i can do that for places too.
what will happen when i leave for good? if i miss it this much while i know i'll be back in a month and a half, i don't want to think about what it will be like when i don't have another summer to look forward to.
i don't think God would ever call me away without first showing me my next purpose, because i feel like without this one, i would be too lost to notice when the new one came.
last night i dreamed about camp. i do that a lot, since i think about it so much, but this was one of the ones that it's hard to wake up from. one where it feels so real that i'm actually shocked when i wake up and realize i'm still here. i was actually trying to wake up from reality, because i figured there was no way i wasn't actually back home a minute ago.
nothing that special happened in it i don't think. i remember no details, no people, just, being there and doing my thing. but that's always enough.
i woke up at 5ish am, crying so hard i was shaking, and i always feel stupid for that. why do i have to miss it so much, all the time? why can't i be happy with being someplace else? it's just the way life works: camp in the summer, real life for ten months, repeat. but i can never seem to adapt to the real life part.
camp has my heart. and i'm so afraid of what i'll be like when the day comes that i don't go back again. i don't know if it would let me take it with me; it loves camp. it won't take too well to leaving.
lately i've been coming to terms with the fact that this won't always be my life. unless i plan on being the director one day(i don't even want to be a unit leader, much less climb even higher. not happening).
if lucy, or heather smith(that's not her name anymore, but it was when she was my unit leader so i still call her it), or britnie reid all had to leave one day, i will too. someday, my time will be up. i pray every august that God will let me have one more year, and that i'll know when it's my last, because i want to be AT camp when i realize that i won't be back. so i can walk through every little bit of it one last time. especially the most important places; the bed in cabin 10 where i was saved, the ropes course where i learned everything i need to know about life, the walk-in refrigerator where we celebrated every week after mopping, the OLS field where i learned how to pee in the woods(serious accomplishment), the lake where me and amber did all our bonding and venting and note-writing(and of course some lifeguarding), and unit 2...oh unit 2.
i annoy myself with how prone to missing things i am. especially with camp. i wish i could go just one day without wishing i was there. one day without being homesick. it's not that i don't love my normal life, or that i sit around all day missing camp. i don't have this debilitating separation anxiety, but there's about 60 seconds a day that i just want to be in my real home, doing what God made me for.
i hear about missionaries who miss their work so much during their stateside time that they almost wish they didn't need a break. in ICS last semester we learned about this one woman, i don't remember her name or what country she worked in, but she went this huge amount of years and never took a furlough. that's how much passion i have for camp, only they make me go home at the end of every summer. if my break between summers were optional, i would live there and never come home. even if there were no campers, no other staff. i would take all my classes online, and when i wasn't busy with school i'd spend the rest of my time hanging with Jesus, walking around praying for the next summer, taking pictures of the lake, raking up the paths through the ropes course so there's less work in orientation week...and whatever else i could think of. i'd get lonely though.
i had a friend once who told me that every time i miss someone, i should pray for them. that way i wouldn't be as sad, and everybody would benefit from what i normally wouldn't like. maybe i can do that for places too.
what will happen when i leave for good? if i miss it this much while i know i'll be back in a month and a half, i don't want to think about what it will be like when i don't have another summer to look forward to.
i don't think God would ever call me away without first showing me my next purpose, because i feel like without this one, i would be too lost to notice when the new one came.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
we are family.
to my 2011 staff.
we have spent five weeks together now. i'm pretty sure all of us would agree they haven't been easy. not all of us know why. i'm not totally sure either(but i have plenty of my own reasons). but there are two verses that i've thought a lot on this summer. i know yall have all heard both of them over and over, but just think about how they relate to camp.
both of them use a word that i think would describe all of us.
isaiah 40:30-31--
even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall. but those who hope in the Lord will find new strength. they will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
galatians 6:9--
let us not grow weary in doing good, for at the proper time, we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.
how many of you are weary? i am. and that's a big deal. ask anyone who worked with me in the past. i am never this low in june. (it's usually late july that i start to burn out) but the point is, all of us are. we're weary.
i was thinking about us a LOT while i was gone. i missed us. i missed hugs and notes and laughing about our girls, and somehow, i even missed all the stupid drama that i hate so much. it was weird, but only because i had expected to be glad to get away from that part of it. and i decided that it's because i love everyone too much to not be there for it. i feel like i abandoned everybody. (i totally could have waited until friday to go to the doctor, i don't even have strep!)
the point is. we're family. no matter whether it's a good day or a bad day, i love you guys. and we're gonna stick it out no matter how tired or frustrated we are. no giving up allowed. we still have a whole half a summer left together.
we have spent five weeks together now. i'm pretty sure all of us would agree they haven't been easy. not all of us know why. i'm not totally sure either(but i have plenty of my own reasons). but there are two verses that i've thought a lot on this summer. i know yall have all heard both of them over and over, but just think about how they relate to camp.
both of them use a word that i think would describe all of us.
isaiah 40:30-31--
even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall. but those who hope in the Lord will find new strength. they will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
galatians 6:9--
let us not grow weary in doing good, for at the proper time, we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.
how many of you are weary? i am. and that's a big deal. ask anyone who worked with me in the past. i am never this low in june. (it's usually late july that i start to burn out) but the point is, all of us are. we're weary.
i was thinking about us a LOT while i was gone. i missed us. i missed hugs and notes and laughing about our girls, and somehow, i even missed all the stupid drama that i hate so much. it was weird, but only because i had expected to be glad to get away from that part of it. and i decided that it's because i love everyone too much to not be there for it. i feel like i abandoned everybody. (i totally could have waited until friday to go to the doctor, i don't even have strep!)
the point is. we're family. no matter whether it's a good day or a bad day, i love you guys. and we're gonna stick it out no matter how tired or frustrated we are. no giving up allowed. we still have a whole half a summer left together.
Monday, June 27, 2011
beauty.
i have used the word "difficult" more times this summer than i have at any other time in my life. and this week was the second most difficult one i've ever had.
my campers were difficult. the staff were difficult. having no energy, not being able to sleep at night, having to deal with a camper situation that i've always prayed never to have, and ending the week by getting so sick that i actually volunteered to take a few days off...difficult, difficult, difficult.
camp is hard. it's not supposed to be. it's never been this way before. i don't understand it.
i've never had to force myself so hard to find the beauty underneath it all. and i hate that most days, i'm just too tired or discouraged to look for it.
but when i do look around, i find it.
in a hug or an encouraging note from one of my wonderful sisters, given to me at just the right moment.
in a story from another more fortunate cabin leader of a girl who wants to be a missionary.
in a little girl who realizes for the first time that God has a plan for her.
in two minutes of silence outside.
in the perfect song shuffling onto my ipod.
in an old friend being able to remind me of the crap we've survived before, and helping me through everything going on now.
everyone is worried about me. i've gotten as many notes this week as i do on my birthday. i'm home right now, so i'm of course miserable. i'm bored, i feel terrible, i'm on so many different medicines at once i feel like a drug addict, and dadGUM i miss my friends. i'm also pretty mad that i had to get sick for mother-daughter minicamp; i look forward to that all year. it's so fun and easy.
but missing everything so much is a relief. someone told me before i left that she was afraid i would realize how easy life was outside of camp and not want to come back. nope. i would hate my life if i weren't at camp. i'd live in my house, i'd be working at domino's, and i would never see anyone since my friends at home will never drive to see me. if anything, this is reminding me how much i love camp.
plus. remember how i said about staff orientation and my first week that satan was all over me? he may have given me a break the second week, but he's back and worse than ever now. then today, i was opening a cough drop and i look at the wrapper. you know how hall's says they're a pep talk in every drop? this one was from God. it said "get back in there champ."
that's what i'm gonna do. i cannot wait to be home with my family and my kids. and by that, i of course mean at camp with my staff and my campers.
my campers were difficult. the staff were difficult. having no energy, not being able to sleep at night, having to deal with a camper situation that i've always prayed never to have, and ending the week by getting so sick that i actually volunteered to take a few days off...difficult, difficult, difficult.
camp is hard. it's not supposed to be. it's never been this way before. i don't understand it.
i've never had to force myself so hard to find the beauty underneath it all. and i hate that most days, i'm just too tired or discouraged to look for it.
but when i do look around, i find it.
in a hug or an encouraging note from one of my wonderful sisters, given to me at just the right moment.
in a story from another more fortunate cabin leader of a girl who wants to be a missionary.
in a little girl who realizes for the first time that God has a plan for her.
in two minutes of silence outside.
in the perfect song shuffling onto my ipod.
in an old friend being able to remind me of the crap we've survived before, and helping me through everything going on now.
everyone is worried about me. i've gotten as many notes this week as i do on my birthday. i'm home right now, so i'm of course miserable. i'm bored, i feel terrible, i'm on so many different medicines at once i feel like a drug addict, and dadGUM i miss my friends. i'm also pretty mad that i had to get sick for mother-daughter minicamp; i look forward to that all year. it's so fun and easy.
but missing everything so much is a relief. someone told me before i left that she was afraid i would realize how easy life was outside of camp and not want to come back. nope. i would hate my life if i weren't at camp. i'd live in my house, i'd be working at domino's, and i would never see anyone since my friends at home will never drive to see me. if anything, this is reminding me how much i love camp.
plus. remember how i said about staff orientation and my first week that satan was all over me? he may have given me a break the second week, but he's back and worse than ever now. then today, i was opening a cough drop and i look at the wrapper. you know how hall's says they're a pep talk in every drop? this one was from God. it said "get back in there champ."
that's what i'm gonna do. i cannot wait to be home with my family and my kids. and by that, i of course mean at camp with my staff and my campers.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
"...for a camper is a miracle who will soon become a part of your life."
i think my favorite part of coming back every year is watching my campers grow up.
my first summer, my unit leader would tell me every time i cried about a group of girls leaving, that i was now a part of every one of their lives. i didn't understand what she meant at the time. but i get it a little more each year.
i have a few who have come every year i've been here. some i don't even recognize because they've gotten so big. i feel like a grandma when i talk about what they were like in 3rd grade(but i figure it makes them feel special). there are some who have been in my cabin for multiple years, and i love seeing how they've changed, listening to them in bible study, or just watching how they act now. some will be crazy and loud and drive me out of my mind one year, then come back the next year and be calmer and quieter, and i'll miss their louder self.
i really am a part of these girls lives. just like my old staffers are still part of mine, simply because i remember the impact they had on me. and i'm pretty sure that even if they can't remember my name, or some of the things we did their week, they'll remember that crazy cabin leader they once had, who cried on friday when their mom took them away from me.
one of my girls this week told me on friday morning "you really do love us, like for real, don't you?" it wasn't a question. she knew the answer. i can only think of a few staffers that i had as a camper who i would say that about. i wanted to be just like them when i grew up; and i guess i did it.
that is insane. i am unbelievably blessed.
my first summer, my unit leader would tell me every time i cried about a group of girls leaving, that i was now a part of every one of their lives. i didn't understand what she meant at the time. but i get it a little more each year.
i have a few who have come every year i've been here. some i don't even recognize because they've gotten so big. i feel like a grandma when i talk about what they were like in 3rd grade(but i figure it makes them feel special). there are some who have been in my cabin for multiple years, and i love seeing how they've changed, listening to them in bible study, or just watching how they act now. some will be crazy and loud and drive me out of my mind one year, then come back the next year and be calmer and quieter, and i'll miss their louder self.
i really am a part of these girls lives. just like my old staffers are still part of mine, simply because i remember the impact they had on me. and i'm pretty sure that even if they can't remember my name, or some of the things we did their week, they'll remember that crazy cabin leader they once had, who cried on friday when their mom took them away from me.
one of my girls this week told me on friday morning "you really do love us, like for real, don't you?" it wasn't a question. she knew the answer. i can only think of a few staffers that i had as a camper who i would say that about. i wanted to be just like them when i grew up; and i guess i did it.
that is insane. i am unbelievably blessed.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
high of 75.
this week was beautiful. in every sense of the word.
and okay, it was a little warmer than 75. but it was in the pretty low 90s and there was this constant perfect breeze.
i had the absolutely too wonderful to be true cabin. all my girls were so much fun, but they'd put their craziness on pause in a split second anytime i started to say something. they did everything i asked right away, not that i even needed to ask them very often to quiet down and go to sleep, or to do their cabin capers job, or clean their tables after meals, or anything that my last group i would have had to tell 14 times. they LOVED bible study, and not only listened, but had things to say, and never complained about any part of it. they were quiet in rest time, they never talked after lights out(unless you count thursday night when they kept asking me to sing one more song), there was no drama between buddies, they all made friends and were promising each other on the last day to keep in touch, and i had one who reminded me so much of myself as a camper that it was almost scary.
i found time for so many good conversations with random staff(yes, without neglecting my job!!).
i got in Jesus time every single day.
we had CHURROS. i got 4 of em.
and i felt good all week. i remember why i'm here, how much i love it, and the kind of stuff God has in store for the rest of the summer, and i couldn't be happier. i've almost found that rhythm i was in last summer.
"and it's funny how you find you enjoy your life, when you're happy to be alive."
this next week is a full camp!! i can't wait for unit 3, and the empty tables in the dining hall, and chairs in the multipurpose building to be filled like the glory days when i was a camper. pray that we'll work well with our new mundo staffers and returning staff who are coming back to help us out, and that we'll all be prepared for this many campers. pray that we'll focus first on God, then on the campers, and then on encouraging each other. and pray for the 200 girls getting ready right now, that God will rock their worlds this week!
and okay, it was a little warmer than 75. but it was in the pretty low 90s and there was this constant perfect breeze.
i had the absolutely too wonderful to be true cabin. all my girls were so much fun, but they'd put their craziness on pause in a split second anytime i started to say something. they did everything i asked right away, not that i even needed to ask them very often to quiet down and go to sleep, or to do their cabin capers job, or clean their tables after meals, or anything that my last group i would have had to tell 14 times. they LOVED bible study, and not only listened, but had things to say, and never complained about any part of it. they were quiet in rest time, they never talked after lights out(unless you count thursday night when they kept asking me to sing one more song), there was no drama between buddies, they all made friends and were promising each other on the last day to keep in touch, and i had one who reminded me so much of myself as a camper that it was almost scary.
i found time for so many good conversations with random staff(yes, without neglecting my job!!).
i got in Jesus time every single day.
we had CHURROS. i got 4 of em.
and i felt good all week. i remember why i'm here, how much i love it, and the kind of stuff God has in store for the rest of the summer, and i couldn't be happier. i've almost found that rhythm i was in last summer.
"and it's funny how you find you enjoy your life, when you're happy to be alive."
this next week is a full camp!! i can't wait for unit 3, and the empty tables in the dining hall, and chairs in the multipurpose building to be filled like the glory days when i was a camper. pray that we'll work well with our new mundo staffers and returning staff who are coming back to help us out, and that we'll all be prepared for this many campers. pray that we'll focus first on God, then on the campers, and then on encouraging each other. and pray for the 200 girls getting ready right now, that God will rock their worlds this week!
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