not what i would choose.

i left my essays on erin's bed, and someone go find sam, i think her walkie's dead.

this is the stuff that makes us go ham, this is the stuff that's makin us all act dumb

in the middle of this drama and crap, i forget that i love camp.

this is the stuff he'll use.

i wrote that one day when i was off for free time. i had been ordered to sleep but wanted to spite them.

this is not the summer i would i have chosen. but it was what God used; for me, for everybody. so i guess when i say this was the worst summer so far, i don't mean that it wasn't good, it was just not as good as 2010, '08, and '09, in that order.

it might be the first summer that i haven't come back saying "that was the best summer of my life", but i can stick plenty of other superlatives onto it.

1. it was the most different.

nothing turned out as i expected. instead of crying as each camper left, i was happy for the time i had with them but ready to let them go. instead of being friends with the whole staff, i was super close with six, knew a few others just a little bit, and the rest i hugged goodbye on the last day wondering if i knew anything about them at all. instead of never needing a break, staying up all hours of the night writing letters because i didn't feel like sleeping yet, and getting up every morning at 6 to have Jesus time before the campers got up, i was tired 90% of the time and grateful for every little break they gave me(though out of habit, and to keep myself from feeling lazy and everyone else from worrying about me, i found myself putting up the usual fight when they ordered me to take a nap). and instead of dreading the end of summer, i couldn't wait to close the book on camp and get back to school.

2. it was the most challenging.

as said earlier, i was ALWAYS tired. i've never had to dig so deep for energy except maybe freshman year. it took more of an effort to sing all the songs over and over with the same enthusiasm as the week before.  there was more drama than usual, and it bothered me more than in most years. camp used to be easy; this year i had to work at it. it was worth it, and i'd do it again tomorrow, but it was hard to wrap my mind around at first.

3. it was the one that taught me the most.

these are all big things with lots of details and sub-lessons. but in a nutshell: God taught me that i do need people, that he uses everything, that things need to change sometimes, that he knows what i need better than i do, and that i don't ever need to leave camp anytime soon. he wants me here. and i want to stay.

4. it was the most important.

i haven't told many people this, but i didn't really want to come back this year. it wasn't anything against camp; i don't want to possibly get myself into trouble by explaining the situation too much, but basically i was just sick of having to fight for it. i was rolling over and giving up, and successfully convinced myself that i would rather stay home, take summer classes, learn to drive, and go church shopping. i had the whole plan, and i was happy with it, as long as i didn't think about what i would be missing out on.

then, through a long turn of events, God reopened the door to camp and i knew i had to go back. i was mad at him at first, but a few days before i left, i felt super dumb and realized that of COURSE i wanted to be at camp.

all summer long, i kept wondering if i had heard right. if God really had wanted me here this year, or if last year was so great because it was supposed to be my last. little hints just kept coming to me, and by our 4th of july break, i had decided that i probably wouldn't come back next year.

but that would be stupid. the second half was different. well actually it was the same, but i was responding to it differently. in the same way that the first half was spent feeling more and more like i wasn't supposed to be here, the second half kept showing me that God has me in the perfect place, what a selfish, lazy, proud, ungrateful hypocrite i was, and that i needed to do less whining and more listening.

i think i was just having growing pains all summer. now next year will be even better.

 

the fun lists will come soon...i hope school doesn't pick up too fast because i'll forget to do them. =]