the end.

i always think it's super corny when movies flash the words "the end" at the end. do they think the audience won't guess that by just having the credits roll?

but in the case of camp, i do wish it had a clear-cut THE END.

yesterday as soon as we got in the car, sam asked if it's always this hard to leave. i said no; it gets harder. so for all of you first years, this is the easiest it will ever be.

my first summer, i knew i would be back. but i still cried. i told myself it would be easier the next year.

'09 rolls around. and it was worse, because after all that had gone on that summer, i wasn't sure i wanted to ever come back.

as everyone had predicted, i got over it and came back for a third year. it was and still is the best summer of my life. it was the most perfect camp experience anyone could imagine. and so it was also the hardest to leave, because i knew it would never be the same.

this year? well, nothing about it makes sense to me, so naturally it would top last summer for hardest ending ever.

some people have commented that i haven't talked about camp much when i'm home. i always jump to ask other people about their summers so i won't have to say much about mine. (ironically, i usually hate being around my non-camp friends during the summer because they don't care about camp; now when i don't WANT to be asked about it, everyone does)

actually that's a lie. it's not that i don't want to talk about it, it's that i'm never sure what to say about it. to people outside of camp, they wouldn't understand why anything was a big deal; to people inside of camp, they would worry about me, and i hate for people to do that.

i haven't even been able to write about it. my journal is mostly empty. when something is so complicated to where i can't even write, i feel like i'm going crazy. i don't know how to deal with things aside from writing about them.

i went into this summer telling myself, i don't need people; i just need God. people cause drama. people hurt me. people make it hard to leave. my summer will be for God and the campers and i am NOT going to let the staff affect me.

but God had different plans.

i am a people person. God knows this; he made me that way. it is not a bad thing that i love people and get attached to them and miss the crap out of them when they're gone, and it's definitely not a bad thing that i'm encouraged by them and that they help me so much to have a good summer. for me, part of leaning on God IS leaning on people, because God gives them to me.

i didn't understand that until wednesday of the last week. but now i do. and i wish next summer could start tomorrow, so i could do it right.