beauty.

i have used the word "difficult" more times this summer than i have at any other time in my life. and this week was the second most difficult one i've ever had.
my campers were difficult. the staff were difficult. having no energy, not being able to sleep at night, having to deal with a camper situation that i've always prayed never to have, and ending the week by getting so sick that i actually volunteered to take a few days off...difficult, difficult, difficult.
camp is hard. it's not supposed to be. it's never been this way before. i don't understand it.
i've never had to force myself so hard to find the beauty underneath it all. and i hate that most days, i'm just too tired or discouraged to look for it.
but when i do look around, i find it.
in a hug or an encouraging note from one of my wonderful sisters, given to me at just the right moment.
in a story from another more fortunate cabin leader of a girl who wants to be a missionary.
in a little girl who realizes for the first time that God has a plan for her.
in two minutes of silence outside.
in the perfect song shuffling onto my ipod.
in an old friend being able to remind me of the crap we've survived before, and helping me through everything going on now.
everyone is worried about me. i've gotten as many notes this week as i do on my birthday. i'm home right now, so i'm of course miserable. i'm bored, i feel terrible, i'm on so many different medicines at once i feel like a drug addict, and dadGUM i miss my friends. i'm also pretty mad that i had to get sick for mother-daughter minicamp; i look forward to that all year. it's so fun and easy.
but missing everything so much is a relief. someone told me before i left that she was afraid i would realize how easy life was outside of camp and not want to come back. nope. i would hate my life if i weren't at camp. i'd live in my house, i'd be working at domino's, and i would never see anyone since my friends at home will never drive to see me. if anything, this is reminding me how much i love camp.
plus. remember how i said about staff orientation and my first week that satan was all over me? he may have given me a break the second week, but he's back and worse than ever now. then today, i was opening a cough drop and i look at the wrapper. you know how hall's says they're a pep talk in every drop? this one was from God. it said "get back in there champ."
that's what i'm gonna do. i cannot wait to be home with my family and my kids. and by that, i of course mean at camp with my staff and my campers.