if they could see me now...

my friends at camp don't believe that i'm quiet, usually lonely, and mostly invisible, at school.

my friends at school don't believe that i'm loud, happy, energetic, slightly obnoxious, undeservedly famous, and loved half to death by everyone who's had a two minute conversation with me, at camp.

lots of times at camp i'll find myself wondering what my other friends would think if they knew how i am at camp. i'm not sure if they'd wonder why i'm so different at school, or if they'd be thanking God that i keep myself shut up most of the time(because honestly, in any other context i think my camp self gets on the world's nerves). i wish so often that they could see that side of me.

and at school, when i'm missing my camp friends, i imagine what they would say if they showed up one day and saw how i am outside of camp. some would be mad at anyone who doesn't talk to me, some would get all worried and ask me endless questions about why in the world i'm like this, and every one of them would never stop talking about how much all these poor ciu people are missing out on by not knowing who i really am. but mostly they'd just be worried.

it's funny. i don't know why any of this is. i'm happy in both places. but they're so different. i guess it just happened that way.

but i love my life. both ways. =]

missing, defined.

i miss you.

these are really heavy words, in my mind. they're important. it bothers me that people use them so much, and expect them in return when they do say them. but the point of this post is not for me to get up on my soap box, don't worry.

if i ever tell you i miss you, i always mean it honestly. i don't say it otherwise. and when i do it means at least one of these things.

i mean that i notice your absence and would rather it not be there.

i mean that you cross my mind once or twice every day, real briefly or sometimes for a long time.

i mean that i wish i could see you or hug you or talk to you or something like that.

i mean that people keep saying things that you and i would have laughed at if we had been together at the time.

i mean that i wish i knew what was happening in your life but haven't heard in a good while.

it's possible, and very okay, to not miss someone. just because you don't miss someone doesn't mean you don't care about them. for instance, i love my family but i don't miss them. i love every one of my camp staff, from no matter how recently, but i don't miss all of them. there are lots of people at school who i love but didn't miss over the summer.

i can love people without missing them, but i never miss anyone unless i love them.

right now i miss camp more than anything. i don't miss everything about it, or everyone there, but in general i miss it, and i do miss a lot of individual people. i can't look at pictures. i definitely can't watch the video. i haven't cried since the sunday after we left, and i don't think about it every second(only a couple times a day when something reminds me of it), or even wish it was still summer, but i do really, really, ache-inside miss it.

and i miss soccer. i miss my team. i miss the ones who graduated and won't play this year. i miss my coach and his speeches. i miss his wife and her cheering us from the side. i miss our fans. i miss the extra inch of height that my cleats give me. i miss blasting 'don't stop believing' after a win while we came down the boulevard. i miss lying in the grass with a ball in my arms and dirt on my face. i miss thanking our fans.

but the thing i love about missing people or things is that it reminds me how thankful i am to have them, and how happy i'll be when i finally get them back. if i never missed anyone, i would never get to give out my signature tackle-hugs. and i would forget how much they meant to me.

so, i if i miss you: i love you. i'm praying for you. you're important to me. and when i see you again, i will have this big happy freakout and everyone around will laugh at me but i won't care. =]

i know i'll see you again, whether far or soon; but i need you to know, that i care, and i miss you.

not what i would choose.

i left my essays on erin's bed, and someone go find sam, i think her walkie's dead.

this is the stuff that makes us go ham, this is the stuff that's makin us all act dumb

in the middle of this drama and crap, i forget that i love camp.

this is the stuff he'll use.

i wrote that one day when i was off for free time. i had been ordered to sleep but wanted to spite them.

this is not the summer i would i have chosen. but it was what God used; for me, for everybody. so i guess when i say this was the worst summer so far, i don't mean that it wasn't good, it was just not as good as 2010, '08, and '09, in that order.

it might be the first summer that i haven't come back saying "that was the best summer of my life", but i can stick plenty of other superlatives onto it.

1. it was the most different.

nothing turned out as i expected. instead of crying as each camper left, i was happy for the time i had with them but ready to let them go. instead of being friends with the whole staff, i was super close with six, knew a few others just a little bit, and the rest i hugged goodbye on the last day wondering if i knew anything about them at all. instead of never needing a break, staying up all hours of the night writing letters because i didn't feel like sleeping yet, and getting up every morning at 6 to have Jesus time before the campers got up, i was tired 90% of the time and grateful for every little break they gave me(though out of habit, and to keep myself from feeling lazy and everyone else from worrying about me, i found myself putting up the usual fight when they ordered me to take a nap). and instead of dreading the end of summer, i couldn't wait to close the book on camp and get back to school.

2. it was the most challenging.

as said earlier, i was ALWAYS tired. i've never had to dig so deep for energy except maybe freshman year. it took more of an effort to sing all the songs over and over with the same enthusiasm as the week before.  there was more drama than usual, and it bothered me more than in most years. camp used to be easy; this year i had to work at it. it was worth it, and i'd do it again tomorrow, but it was hard to wrap my mind around at first.

3. it was the one that taught me the most.

these are all big things with lots of details and sub-lessons. but in a nutshell: God taught me that i do need people, that he uses everything, that things need to change sometimes, that he knows what i need better than i do, and that i don't ever need to leave camp anytime soon. he wants me here. and i want to stay.

4. it was the most important.

i haven't told many people this, but i didn't really want to come back this year. it wasn't anything against camp; i don't want to possibly get myself into trouble by explaining the situation too much, but basically i was just sick of having to fight for it. i was rolling over and giving up, and successfully convinced myself that i would rather stay home, take summer classes, learn to drive, and go church shopping. i had the whole plan, and i was happy with it, as long as i didn't think about what i would be missing out on.

then, through a long turn of events, God reopened the door to camp and i knew i had to go back. i was mad at him at first, but a few days before i left, i felt super dumb and realized that of COURSE i wanted to be at camp.

all summer long, i kept wondering if i had heard right. if God really had wanted me here this year, or if last year was so great because it was supposed to be my last. little hints just kept coming to me, and by our 4th of july break, i had decided that i probably wouldn't come back next year.

but that would be stupid. the second half was different. well actually it was the same, but i was responding to it differently. in the same way that the first half was spent feeling more and more like i wasn't supposed to be here, the second half kept showing me that God has me in the perfect place, what a selfish, lazy, proud, ungrateful hypocrite i was, and that i needed to do less whining and more listening.

i think i was just having growing pains all summer. now next year will be even better.

 

the fun lists will come soon...i hope school doesn't pick up too fast because i'll forget to do them. =]

the end.

i always think it's super corny when movies flash the words "the end" at the end. do they think the audience won't guess that by just having the credits roll?

but in the case of camp, i do wish it had a clear-cut THE END.

yesterday as soon as we got in the car, sam asked if it's always this hard to leave. i said no; it gets harder. so for all of you first years, this is the easiest it will ever be.

my first summer, i knew i would be back. but i still cried. i told myself it would be easier the next year.

'09 rolls around. and it was worse, because after all that had gone on that summer, i wasn't sure i wanted to ever come back.

as everyone had predicted, i got over it and came back for a third year. it was and still is the best summer of my life. it was the most perfect camp experience anyone could imagine. and so it was also the hardest to leave, because i knew it would never be the same.

this year? well, nothing about it makes sense to me, so naturally it would top last summer for hardest ending ever.

some people have commented that i haven't talked about camp much when i'm home. i always jump to ask other people about their summers so i won't have to say much about mine. (ironically, i usually hate being around my non-camp friends during the summer because they don't care about camp; now when i don't WANT to be asked about it, everyone does)

actually that's a lie. it's not that i don't want to talk about it, it's that i'm never sure what to say about it. to people outside of camp, they wouldn't understand why anything was a big deal; to people inside of camp, they would worry about me, and i hate for people to do that.

i haven't even been able to write about it. my journal is mostly empty. when something is so complicated to where i can't even write, i feel like i'm going crazy. i don't know how to deal with things aside from writing about them.

i went into this summer telling myself, i don't need people; i just need God. people cause drama. people hurt me. people make it hard to leave. my summer will be for God and the campers and i am NOT going to let the staff affect me.

but God had different plans.

i am a people person. God knows this; he made me that way. it is not a bad thing that i love people and get attached to them and miss the crap out of them when they're gone, and it's definitely not a bad thing that i'm encouraged by them and that they help me so much to have a good summer. for me, part of leaning on God IS leaning on people, because God gives them to me.

i didn't understand that until wednesday of the last week. but now i do. and i wish next summer could start tomorrow, so i could do it right.

remember when...

remember when we thought that craft was fun?

or when sarah fell in the lake and everyone knew within a half hour?

or when we were conserving water? ;]

or when cindy nations broke a perfectly good bench?

or when our yellow shirts went missing?

or when we went to waffle house? ;]

or when amanda lost her bag and had a mental breakdown?

or when we got churros?

or when jason...[fill in the blank with every little thing he did to rock our week]?

or when brittany got pushed in the pool?

or when the yogurt skit was still part of talent show?

or when loyda gave chi chi yet another nickname?

or when we all still liked camp songs?

or when chi chi was a bully?

or when cabin 14 had the best cabin call ever?

or when hope and corbitt slept in?

remember sadie?

and faith?

and eden?

and leala?

and alexis?

and way?

and all those twins?

i do. and i miss it.

i know you hate this one, but this is where the story ends.

oh, btdubz, it is our last week. our LAST week.

now is not the time to suddenly remember that i love it here.* and i don't have enough time left.

ok i'm going to bed, i have campers to love, staffers to write to and pictures to take.

and since everyone loves my funny stories, here's one for the road.

this morning, my alarm went off. i reached for the snooze button, and in my drowsy state, i hit the off switch instead.(ironically, i had set it ten minutes early so i could hit snooze an extra time) this wouldn't have been so tragic if it didn't happen on the one day that erin's alarm fails to go off at all. so corbitt comes in at 7:11 and lets me know that i've slept in. i'm rushing around the cabin getting the girls up, tellin them i've never been the last to flags and we can't be late, and we still end up being the first.

so the girls were picking at me about it all day, but finally, it's bible study time and we're going over the memory verse. one girl asks me "do we have to learn the 113:3-4 part?" and i say "yes, it's good to know where things are!" and she says "like the snooze button on your alarm?" we were all busting out laughing, and then another one says "miss linda you just got BURNED!"

 

 

 

*my wanting to be at school is VERY distracting. it's not that i ever hated camp or anything.