missing, defined.

i miss you.

these are really heavy words, in my mind. they're important. it bothers me that people use them so much, and expect them in return when they do say them. but the point of this post is not for me to get up on my soap box, don't worry.

if i ever tell you i miss you, i always mean it honestly. i don't say it otherwise. and when i do it means at least one of these things.

i mean that i notice your absence and would rather it not be there.

i mean that you cross my mind once or twice every day, real briefly or sometimes for a long time.

i mean that i wish i could see you or hug you or talk to you or something like that.

i mean that people keep saying things that you and i would have laughed at if we had been together at the time.

i mean that i wish i knew what was happening in your life but haven't heard in a good while.

it's possible, and very okay, to not miss someone. just because you don't miss someone doesn't mean you don't care about them. for instance, i love my family but i don't miss them. i love every one of my camp staff, from no matter how recently, but i don't miss all of them. there are lots of people at school who i love but didn't miss over the summer.

i can love people without missing them, but i never miss anyone unless i love them.

right now i miss camp more than anything. i don't miss everything about it, or everyone there, but in general i miss it, and i do miss a lot of individual people. i can't look at pictures. i definitely can't watch the video. i haven't cried since the sunday after we left, and i don't think about it every second(only a couple times a day when something reminds me of it), or even wish it was still summer, but i do really, really, ache-inside miss it.

and i miss soccer. i miss my team. i miss the ones who graduated and won't play this year. i miss my coach and his speeches. i miss his wife and her cheering us from the side. i miss our fans. i miss the extra inch of height that my cleats give me. i miss blasting 'don't stop believing' after a win while we came down the boulevard. i miss lying in the grass with a ball in my arms and dirt on my face. i miss thanking our fans.

but the thing i love about missing people or things is that it reminds me how thankful i am to have them, and how happy i'll be when i finally get them back. if i never missed anyone, i would never get to give out my signature tackle-hugs. and i would forget how much they meant to me.

so, i if i miss you: i love you. i'm praying for you. you're important to me. and when i see you again, i will have this big happy freakout and everyone around will laugh at me but i won't care. =]

i know i'll see you again, whether far or soon; but i need you to know, that i care, and i miss you.