everything is okay.

i miss school. i miss my roommates, i miss my teachers, i miss learning, i miss homework, i miss running every day, i miss my room.
but i'm not there yet. i'm still at camp. and i'm happy about that, but i'm not used to missing anything while i'm here. no part of me ever looks forward to leaving. i've actually said things along the lines of "rrrrrr i miss jamie, can we just fast forward the rest of summer?" more than once. joking of course. i love camp. i want to be here. but it'll be weird to not be totally broken when i have to leave again.
this is probably how most people feel about camp. maybe this is normal and healthy. and i'm not normal and healthy about many things...but i can get used to anything.
i'm realizing that it's okay to feel okay about not being here every single second. if i go a day or two without thinking about it, it won't mean that i love it any less. it just means i finally have other places that feel like home.
which is still weird. but it is okay.
i've been telling myself that a lot. or more like, God has been telling me that a lot. or trying. it took five wasted weeks for me to finally hear but...it's okay.
it's okay that i don't have answers for everybody.
it's okay that i've been here four years and have no desire to be a unit leader.
it's okay that i've been here four years and don't feel like i know anything more than i did when i was sixteen.
it's okay that i get tired sometimes.
it's okay if i ask for help now and then.
it's okay that i can't always give my campers everything they need.
it's okay that my campers don't always love me.
it's okay if not everyone on staff loves me.
it's okay if sometimes i actually want to be out of camp.
it's even okay if sometimes i wonder why God has me here.
(now a lot of this, i only know in my head. most of them haven't sunk down to my heart yet, but at least i know that God wants me to believe them)
but none of this is okay if i'm not focused on God through it all.
and i am. finally.
i still don't understand so many things. i pray for answers every night until my head hurts. the only thing i'm sure of, is that i'm obeying and God is working. and if i focus on that, instead of the fact that i have no idea what's going on, then i'm okay.

i love...

waking the dead=among the best Jesus books i ever read. i'm only reading one subsection a day so that it'll last all summer, plus i have no time to read full chapters in one sitting.
in this one chapter, it says to make a list, not prioritized or organized in any way, of everything you love.
and so i did. it took my entire break when i could have been playing in the rain...but it was fun.

i love my bed.
i love long showers.
i love water.
i love sam.
i love my bible.
i love getting notes.
i love hugs.
i love my campers.
i love camp.
i love unit 2.
i love to sing.
i love country fried steak.
i love sunrises.
i love sleeping without dreaming.
i love baseball.
i love hope.
i love sitting in the office when no campers are here.
i love to write.
i love cabins 5 and 6.
i love jenna.
i love winning cabin capers.
i love summer.
i love the lake.
i love to cuddle.
i love southern accents.
i love ciu.
i love to pray.
i love books.
i love soccer.
i love to think.
i love making lists.
i love psychology.
i love people.
i love missionaries.
i love south carolina.
i love six flags.
i love to laugh.
i love netflix.
i love life.
i love to listen.
i love old tv shows.
i love the beach.
i love downtown charleston.
i love being myself.
i love my brain.
i love ADD.
i love warm weather.
i love blue slushies.
i love christmas.
i love puppies.
i love to dance.
i love music that makes me think.
i love quotes.
i love my brothers.
i love red cars.
i love to worship.
i love people.
i love fireworks.
i love my birthday at camp.
i love my roommates.
i love to encourage people.
i love being encouraged.
i love making things.
i love running.
i love being outside.
i love rain.
i love jumping in leaves.
i love popcorn flavored jelly beans.
i love to talk.
i love to listen.
i love my cat.
i love pictures.
i love the ocean.
i love the food network.
i love being random.
i love road trips.
i love sundays.
i love yoghut.
i love to love people.
i love ella's facial expressions.
i love mornings in walker B5.
i love being allowed to have a walkie, or the keys to the boathouse.
i love tv.
i love the wizard of oz.

(then it was 7:40 and i needed to meet my cabin...but i could have gone on.)

three more weeks.

early in the summer, someone said "yall, we have three weeks until break." it sounded like a year away.
then sunday night i walked into multipurpose for staff worship, and i thought, "we have three more weeks of this."
and this time i cried.
in three weeks we'll be out of the gate and out of each other's lives.
it seems long at the beginning.
but from this angle, three weeks is a heartbeat.
and it's not long enough.

cabin leader voices.

the fun-loud-excited-ten-shades-of-crazy-with-an-undertone-of-responsible-adult one, switching every now and then to the experienced-and-capable-of-keeping-your-child-alive-for-a-week one. both are used during registration time; the first is for the campers, the second is for parents/leaders/etc, although the first is used with them sometimes.

the authoritative-but-fun-and-excited-one. used when it's time to put on shoes and go to *insert activity or meal here*, and most often you'll need it in cabin capers. also comes in handy in Bible study sometimes, but you tweak it a bit. you don't want to make it too serious because Bible study shouldn't be a time they associate with getting told what to do.


the soothing-mother-esque one. use this in the morning when you first wake the girls up(before you've cut the light on; once the lights are on it's time to break out the ABE), for homesickers, or with those that are scared during storms.

the slightly-authoritative-but-calm-and-quiet one. used at bedtime.

the very-serious-but-not-yelling one. a last resort. what you use when you have to give the "i'm very disappointed in you" speech, or when the girls refuse to calm down at bedtime, Bible study, rest time, etc. thankfully with most groups no one has to use it very often.(it feels mean, but the girls never take it that way. i only know because every time i use it, i end up apologizing at the end of the day, and they're always like "but you weren't mean!")

camp conflict 101: how to fix things without making drama!

continued from my last post.
i know that sometimes talking to that one person doesn't work. if that happens, take it to your unit leader. if that doesn't work, then, and only then, should you take it to cindy. always try to keep things on the lowest possible level. and never, ever, during any of this process, do you need to talk to any other staff about it. get as few people involved in the problem as possible.
and just a confession on my part, i SUCK at this. i am a firm believer in letting things go away on their own. but since we can't do that at camp, here's what i know to do and most often don't do, and what we can all work on together. i tried hard to make it funny and lighthearted, as opposed to serious and accusing.

here's how it works.

(i'm using jenna in all of these examples, because i know that everyone knows i love jenna, and therefore will not assume that i'm trying to imply that she has issues in real life)
there are professional issues, and there are personal issues. only professional issues need to be taken to anyone besides yourself and the other person. if personal things get spread around, it creates unnecessary drama.

example A: jenna calls me obnoxious. i'm mad at her.
this is personal. i should go to jenna and tell her, in a nice way, how i feel. if she doesn't apologize, i suck it up and deal with it. this is not a major, ongoing issue and so doesn't need to be taken to anyone else.
example B: jenna is constantly telling me what to do and pointing out anything i do wrong, sometimes in front of my campers.
this is kind of personal, but mostly professional because it's affecting my job(and jenna is not doing her job right). either way, it's definitely one of those bigger issues that needs to be taken care of. first, i would go to jenna and tell her what she's doing. if she doesn't seem like she understands, or won't change, i would go up the ladder and go to my unit leader.
example C: i see jenna punch a camper in the face.
this is the only time that it's ok, and legally encouraged, to go straight to cindy before going to anyone else.
(it's fine that you're laughing. that's what that one was for. =] [not that it can't happen. if it does for real, tell cindy right away] )
example D: i notice that jenna, whether she's meaning to or not, yells at her campers a lot.
this is professional, and this one is tricky. there are probably a few ways of going about fixing this, but i would first mention it to her really lightly, almost jokingly, and see what she says. in most cases, most cabin leaders don't mean to yell and don't realize how they're coming across. so with this approach, i don't come across as really accusing, but at the same time, jenna is made aware that what she's doing is a bit of a problem.
if the issue were to continue, i would probably go to her staffer/cit, not in a gossiping way, but to see if she's noticed the issue, since she works more closely with jenna. if they have, i would tell them to go to jenna more seriously, and tell her exactly what's wrong and how she can try to fix it. and i might let her unit leader know, just so she can be watching and helping her out.
lastly: if you aren't doing it for the right reasons, confrontation can make things worse. so please, if you can't be loving about it, then wait. pray about it first, and fix things with that other person as soon as your heart is right.

if it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.
romans 12:18

priority...unity.

remember at the beginning, in orientation? think really far. before the drama, before the cliques, before the talent show at our last mother-daughter. the night cici led our first staff devotion, and this question flashed up on the screen:

WHAT WOULD DEFINE A SUCCESSFUL SUMMER FOR YOU?

i had no idea how to answer. probably most of us didn't; it's a hard question. but i was surprised at myself because everyone turned and asked me what i thought, since, as i've been reminded too many times, i've been here longer than anyone else and apparently should know everything(sidenote, i hate that) but, i really didn't know.

like with most things though, i started writing, and found i had a lot more thoughts than i would have guessed. only in this case, i drew a little bit too.

we hear all the time about how camp is for the camper. which is all very true. but i think sometimes we hear that statement so much that it can seem like they're trying to tell us that they are the only thing that matters. i've been talking with God a lot about that this week. how do you explain the balance? this is what i figured out. we have four priorities at camp. they work like a funnel.

you start with God.

camp is about God, for God, because of God. yes, we're here for the campers, but if we aren't first focused on God, then anything we do in the name of "camp is for the camper" won't really be for anything. you can do a little bit of good, but you'll be doing it all on your own, and for either your own or someone else's agendas. but when you take your day, your week, your whole summer, and you give it to God. you let HIM be your strength, you start talking to HIM about everything that's wrong instead of to the staff, and you lean on HIM to make everything work, when you take time to rest in him every day, and then...everything else just falls into place(1 john 1:7!). in this order.


now the campers come in. when you're focused on God, you know how best to be what your girls need. you have all the love and joy and compassion that they need and want from you, and all the patience and energy that you need to be able to keep doing that every day(isaiah 40:29!). the girls see God spilling out of you all over the place, and so do...


the staff. yes. we are important. anytime they remind us to focus on the campers, they aren't telling us never to focus on each other. because we need each other. God put all of us together for a reason. we're here to love and encourage and support each other. it is NOT a bad thing to have close friends on staff. not at all. it's hard to stress the "camp is for the camper" deal without making it seem like we're saying we shouldn't think about the other staff at all. if you come to the end of a week, and you've loved on your girls and they all had a great week, but you weren't any help or support to the rest of staff, you haven't had a successful week. (but remember, your priority to the staff goes out in concentric circles too. starting with your own cit/staffer, then your roommate and their staffer, then the rest of your unit, then your "sister" unit, then anyone else) we NEED to be here for each other, but lately we've been leaning on each other in all the wrong ways. more on that later.

even after all this, there's still one other thing you need to take care of.

yes. yourself. you can be pouring all the Jesus in the world into your girls, and be an encouragement to the staff all week long, but if you're not taking care of yourself, then you aren't doing your job right either. if you aren't getting your rest(i know i know. i'm...preaching to the choir is it? or i'll just say it in nonmetaphorical words, i am a HYPOCRITE), then you won't be as effective as God wants you to be. he wants you to rest. he never said you had to knock yourself out and get all drained every day in order to do his work. it's ok to slow down sometimes. we NEED to slow down sometimes.(matthew 11:28, psalm 62:1, mark 6:31, psalm 127:2, hebrews 4:11 etc) and most importantly. have your quiet time. you can be feeding your girls up spiritually all week long, but if you aren't taking time to feed yourself, then you aren't accomplishing half what you could be.
ps, you need to get your ear drops. please, please, please get your ear drops, and go to sleep at night. or else you'll get awful sick and have to leave for three days and it will SUCK.

so. what defines a successful summer? one where those four are in that ideal balance. and notice that as you add a new circle, the circle before it gets bigger. so when you pour into your campers in the right way, it brings you even more to God. and especially this one: when you focus on the staff in the right way, you have even more to give the campers. see?
now. i'm probably about to stomp all over a whole lot of toes. and i know 90% of everyone will hate me after this, but it needs to be said. and i've prayed very very hard about how to say it, so if i hurt anyone, i swear it isn't at all on purpose. i'm not talking down to anyone, i'm not blaming everyone, and i am most definitely not claiming to have been a good example of what i'm about to ramble about(you'll notice that i'm very careful to always say "we", because i am just as guilty[and more so in some ways] as anyone else).
we are a family. whether we want to be or not, we are. we're a dysfunctional family with all kinds of problems, i'll admit, but a family nonetheless. just like in our real families, we don't get to choose who they are. to quote one of my favorite movies ever, "you are born into a family. you do not join them like you do the marines."
we don't have to like each other all the time, but God does say we need to love each other. this is one of my favorite camp-staff-related verses.
"and above all these virtues, put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity."-colossians 3:14
hold the phone. i just noticed, "them" is referring to the other 'virtues' paul talked about earlier in the passage, it isn't about the body of Christ. so it isn't quite as perfectly applicable as i thought it was...that's sad. but it's okay, i found another one.
"may they be brought to complete unity, to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me."-john 17:23b
see? if we aren't unified, we can't serve the girls the way God wants us to.
and finally, my favorite midsummer verse, that i give to all the staff after this break every year:
"let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the body of believers."-galatians 6:9-10
actually this is just one of my favorite verses period, not just for summer. it's so GOOD. check this stuff out.
--let us not become weary in doing good...
how many of yall are weary? i am.
i have been since the fourth day of staff training. and i know we all were right before we left. we are weary, and it is hurting us. but we are doing good. and that is exactly why satan is attacking us. he's getting us down, and turning us on each other, because we can do so, much, good. we aren't being the best we can, but we can fix it.
--for at the proper time, we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.
who's wanted to give up at any point this summer? i have.
camp is hard. even in my best summer, it was hard. but big things for God are always hard. we WILL get weary and we WILL want to give up sometimes. but look what happens when we don't? we reap a harvest. in this case, we bless these girls and impact their lives. God will work through us no matter how tired or defeated we are, as long as we trust him to do it. if we're leaning on each other for that strength, he won't use us. yes, it's ok to turn to each other for encouragement, but unless we're ultimately depending on God, we'll fail. God will let one human after another disappoint us until we realize that we're here for him, not for the staff.(i could tell you all kinds of sad stories as to how i learned this. but i promise, the staff can't be why you're here. it won't work.)
also. while it is important for the girls to see us unified, it's not like they come to watch us and learn about how to have good friendships. they come to learn about God and be loved on by us. none of them, not even the acteens, notice or care if we're all in cliques. the campers are not the reason to have or not have close friends on staff.
which brings me to what i promise is my last point...
we haven't been loving each other. we've been tolerating each other if anything, but in a lot of ways we've been downright hateful. i won't give examples, but everyone knows what i'm talking about.
it's ok that we have issues. we're human, and worse, we're girls. of course we're gonna go nuts once a month. it's understandable that conflict is out there, but it is NOT ok that we haven't been handling it the way God tells us to. so, all i will say is this, and if you can't tell it in writing, i am using the very-serious-but-not-yelling tone that i use at lights out when my girls need to LISTEN: if you have a problem with someone, there is NO reason to go and tell half the staff about it, or even just a few people you're close to. it doesn't matter how much you trust them; if they aren't part of the resolution, they don't need to know about it(and the trustworthy ones likely don't want to be hearing it; venting is often just bubble-wrapped gossip.[i use it as my excuse a LOT, but when i think about it, most of the time i really am just gossiping]) because that just makes them part of the problem. if you can't tell the person you have an issue with, my only advice is to get a diary. but don't tell other people. this is not middle school, this is camp la vida. and even though in a way we get to be like kids all summer, we should be able to treat each other like adults, and go straight to the people we need to work things out with.(a second post on this is coming)
ok. *steps off soapbox and re-assumes loving cabin leader tone* that's all. i hope no one hates me, because i love all of yall so much, and i tell people the truth when i love them. that's the only reason i wrote all this. i know we can pull ourselves together and have a great rest of the summer.
and please, please, if you disagree with anything i've said(totally understandable, my feelings won't be hurt), tell me. i hate finding out from other people that i've made someone mad. and i'm sure lots of people will have comments, so come to me. i won't get defensive or start crying or yelling at you, i promise. =]

missing.

written april 14, for my other blog, and forgotten in my drafts. i see it as a God thing that i found it today.


last night i dreamed about camp. i do that a lot, since i think about it so much, but this was one of the ones that it's hard to wake up from. one where it feels so real that i'm actually shocked when i wake up and realize i'm still here. i was actually trying to wake up from reality, because i figured there was no way i wasn't actually back home a minute ago.
nothing that special happened in it i don't think. i remember no details, no people, just, being there and doing my thing. but that's always enough.
i woke up at 5ish am, crying so hard i was shaking, and i always feel stupid for that. why do i have to miss it so much, all the time? why can't i be happy with being someplace else? it's just the way life works: camp in the summer, real life for ten months, repeat. but i can never seem to adapt to the real life part.
camp has my heart. and i'm so afraid of what i'll be like when the day comes that i don't go back again. i don't know if it would let me take it with me; it loves camp. it won't take too well to leaving.

lately i've been coming to terms with the fact that this won't always be my life. unless i plan on being the director one day(i don't even want to be a unit leader, much less climb even higher. not happening).
if lucy, or heather smith(that's not her name anymore, but it was when she was my unit leader so i still call her it), or britnie reid all had to leave one day, i will too. someday, my time will be up. i pray every august that God will let me have one more year, and that i'll know when it's my last, because i want to be AT camp when i realize that i won't be back. so i can walk through every little bit of it one last time. especially the most important places; the bed in cabin 10 where i was saved, the ropes course where i learned everything i need to know about life, the walk-in refrigerator where we celebrated every week after mopping, the OLS field where i learned how to pee in the woods(serious accomplishment), the lake where me and amber did all our bonding and venting and note-writing(and of course some lifeguarding), and unit 2...oh unit 2.
i annoy myself with how prone to missing things i am. especially with camp. i wish i could go just one day without wishing i was there. one day without being homesick. it's not that i don't love my normal life, or that i sit around all day missing camp. i don't have this debilitating separation anxiety, but there's about 60 seconds a day that i just want to be in my real home, doing what God made me for.
i hear about missionaries who miss their work so much during their stateside time that they almost wish they didn't need a break. in ICS last semester we learned about this one woman, i don't remember her name or what country she worked in, but she went this huge amount of years and never took a furlough. that's how much passion i have for camp, only they make me go home at the end of every summer. if my break between summers were optional, i would live there and never come home. even if there were no campers, no other staff. i would take all my classes online, and when i wasn't busy with school i'd spend the rest of my time hanging with Jesus, walking around praying for the next summer, taking pictures of the lake, raking up the paths through the ropes course so there's less work in orientation week...and whatever else i could think of. i'd get lonely though.

i had a friend once who told me that every time i miss someone, i should pray for them. that way i wouldn't be as sad, and everybody would benefit from what i normally wouldn't like. maybe i can do that for places too.
what will happen when i leave for good? if i miss it this much while i know i'll be back in a month and a half, i don't want to think about what it will be like when i don't have another summer to look forward to.
i don't think God would ever call me away without first showing me my next purpose, because i feel like without this one, i would be too lost to notice when the new one came.