little things?

i've always wanted to do big things for God. i never imagined i'd be one of those people who was just called to small things.(aside from the fact that i'd so much rather be a mom than have a real job)
in the fall when everyone is talking about their summers, there's the people went to africa or someplace, the ones that worked at a camp or something similar, and then there's the ones who just stayed home and worked or maybe took summer classes. i admire the ones in the first group and beg for stories for weeks, and i always feel sorry for the people in the last group. not in a condescending way or anything, like i think there's something wrong with that or like i'm better than them because i'm in the second group. i just find myself thinking that i can't imagine not doing something big with my summer.
but you know, the 3rd group people could have just as much of an impact for Christ as anything else.
i've been thinking about that a lot lately. and i'm beginning to think that if God were to close the door on my plan A, i wouldn't be miserable and depressed all summer long, even though it would be weird and i would miss everything and everyone associated with it(i can't even write the word; i haven't cried in a few days and like it that way). i could live with His plan B.
not that i know what that is or anything. i'm still clueless, and i'm hoping and praying that our plans are the same. i just wonder if i'm too comfortable with plan A. God has been bringing up the concept of "comfort zones" a lot too. and i don't like the idea of leaving mine.
yesterday, just for fun, i was looking around online for mission trips that still have spaces open. and the more i thought of leaving hot showers, familiar food, and a comfy bed, the more i wished God would hurry and tell me whether i get to have my way this summer. (not that i feel too strongly that He'll call me off to the jungle if He does say no to my plan) but that does worry me a bit that i like america so much. in a way i really want to get out of here for a while and see how the rest of the world lives, for that very reason, but in a bigger way i still hope God doesn't have that in the cards for me.
i'm just very, very confused.

war stories.

i don't happen to find silence awkward. as much as i love to talk and love listening even more, i don't mind occasional silence. it lets me think, and if i never got to think, i would never write. and all of you faithful readers(note the sarcasm)wouldn't like that much.
however, i do love it if when i'm with my friends and there's a silence, and someone asks to hear a camp story. i never run out of them, so i never have to think very hard to come up with one on the spot.
this is the one that just now came in my head.
one day me and lia were down at the lake running canoeing, and lia puts her feet just on top of the water, and we laugh at how much dirt comes off of them. i stick my feet out and try to do the same thing...but they don't reach that far.
i have a whole genre of "laughs at the expense of linda's small-ness".

His ways are higher...

i've been craving more of God lately. i want to know what He wants and want what He wants.
usually when anything in my life becomes the least bit uncertain, i panic. if i do turn to God about it, it's to complain. asking why He's doing this and why i can't have the answers yet, etc.
but i feel really different. it's kind of scary.
i'm beyond excited right now that all my plans are so shaky. i want this giant "my way or the highway" sign to fall down and reveal a big billboard with His plan on it.
i;m sick of making my own plans and doing things my way, and being in God's will by coincidence. i'm sick of fighting for control. i don't even like the times when i feel like i AM in control anymore. i just want to sit back, and let God use me. wherever He chooses.
i'm not sad or angry or worried or scared. for once in my life, i LOVE that i don't know what's coming next.
i don't trust myself to run my life. it's so freeing to let God take it.
this song has been my prayer since the first time i heard it. i've wanted this feeling they're talking about for so long. i think i have it, but it's so unfamiliar and just weird that i'm not sure. but it sounds like this. 
put away all i know for tonight, and maybe i just might learn to let it go.
see, usually i'm a concrete person. i like to know things for sure. and when i do, i hold onto it so hard that i can't see what God has right in front of me.
take my security from me, and maybe finally i won't have to know everything.
God did that. and it's working. i don't like needing to know everything. and now i hate the certainty i've been clinging onto for so long.
i am falling into grace, to the unknown, to where you are.
unknown. yep, that's about right. i have no idea what this is that i'm feeling.
faith makes everybody scared, but it's the unknown, the don't know, that keeps me hanging onto You.
i do know that much: when i feel like my life is steady and in my hands, i don't notice God as much. it's these terrifying times of "where are we going, WAIT hold my hand i'm lost..." that get me desperately looking for God again.
but they're wrong on one point: i'm not scared. but i know this is faith.
and peace. perfect peace.
pray for my summer. i don't want the old plan anymore, unless God does turn out to have the same one. i have no idea what the answer to that will be, and i'm not afraid of it. i know He'll take care of me.

i don't want easy.

i was thinking(when am i ever not?) last night.
i'm good at surviving. when i see my plans start to fall apart, i can think of a backup plan like that.(ok. that phrase makes no sense when it's typed out, you have to be able to see the person's fingers snap) immediately my mind gets going, preparing for the worst.
i thought about what it would be like to not work at camp. i shocked myself at how quickly my mind started bubble wrapping itself, filling up with "you'll live" style thoughts.
i could sleep. i could work at domino's with daniel and make real money. i could take summer classes and not have to be in school for seven years. i could see my friends all the time.
it would be like i was a normal person having a normal summer. i haven't had that since i was in tenth grade.
yes, i would live. i would deal. i wouldn't be miserable. but i wouldn't be happy.
and that's when i'm thinking about myself.(even then, i have plenty of selfish reasons for wanting camp too, and as far as it depends on me, i'll always choose camp.)
when i think about my girls, it breaks my heart to think about not getting to see them and hug them and hear about their year and watch how much they've grown up over just one year. and besides the ones that keep coming back, i don't want to think about there being new ones that i'll never get to meet.
and i've never ever questioned if God wanted me at camp. if course that's what He wants. why would i love it so much and be so good at it if it wasn't?(bad reasons, i know, but they're just my favorites of a few dozen)
yes, i could take the easy way out. the way that includes no hoops to jump through, plenty of sleep, more money and no drama. but none of that is what i want or need.
i'm gonna get in there and fight.