i don't want easy.

i was thinking(when am i ever not?) last night.
i'm good at surviving. when i see my plans start to fall apart, i can think of a backup plan like that.(ok. that phrase makes no sense when it's typed out, you have to be able to see the person's fingers snap) immediately my mind gets going, preparing for the worst.
i thought about what it would be like to not work at camp. i shocked myself at how quickly my mind started bubble wrapping itself, filling up with "you'll live" style thoughts.
i could sleep. i could work at domino's with daniel and make real money. i could take summer classes and not have to be in school for seven years. i could see my friends all the time.
it would be like i was a normal person having a normal summer. i haven't had that since i was in tenth grade.
yes, i would live. i would deal. i wouldn't be miserable. but i wouldn't be happy.
and that's when i'm thinking about myself.(even then, i have plenty of selfish reasons for wanting camp too, and as far as it depends on me, i'll always choose camp.)
when i think about my girls, it breaks my heart to think about not getting to see them and hug them and hear about their year and watch how much they've grown up over just one year. and besides the ones that keep coming back, i don't want to think about there being new ones that i'll never get to meet.
and i've never ever questioned if God wanted me at camp. if course that's what He wants. why would i love it so much and be so good at it if it wasn't?(bad reasons, i know, but they're just my favorites of a few dozen)
yes, i could take the easy way out. the way that includes no hoops to jump through, plenty of sleep, more money and no drama. but none of that is what i want or need.
i'm gonna get in there and fight.