you can sit beside me when the world comes down.

to keep myself from rehashing every other after-reunion post i've written in past years, i'll just link to them here so i won't feel like i need to.
about camp looking dead in the winter but really just being asleep:
http://thoughtfulcampcounselor.blogspot.com/2010/12/hibernatingfamily.html

about camp people being family:
http://thoughtfulcampcounselor.blogspot.com/2011/12/confession132.html

anyways.
on the way to camp yesterday, stephanie pointed out that if the world ended today, she'd be totally happy since we'd all be together.
unlike other years, there's not a single person i wouldn't want at the reunion. i love every one of them so much, and i legitly missed every one who had to miss it. as in, i realized without being reminded that each of them wasn't there and had specific reasons why i wished they were there.
and if sitting in cabin 5 laughing with all of them was the last thing i got to do before Jesus came back, i'd be completely content.
i realized last night that i've laughed more with this staff than with any other. i figured it out because when we were all laughing for literally a minute straight, i could listen and pick out every person's distinct laugh, and i could even imagine all the ones who weren't there. i don't think i've never known everyone well enough to do that.
to copy more of stephanie's wise little sayings, being together really is like a glimpse of heaven.
i know that sounds super corny to anyone who's never been to camp. but in heaven, everyone will love each other, no one will fight, and we'll all be happier than we've ever been, right? that is the essence of us.

and i love them a lot.

a fraction of the hurt.

i'm posting this on my camp blog instead of my real life one because when you say "innocent children," i think of my campers.

i'm not going to go on a political rant; there are so many people talking about gun control and abortion right now, i'm sure my opinion has already been said by someone else.

i'm just thinking out loud, trying to wrap my mind around the fact that 20 kids the same age as my campers are dead today.

20 happy little lives stamped out right before christmas.

now i know this isn't anything even close to what they're feeling, but it's my only point of reference since i don't have any real kids to love.
i imagine that a mom is like a cabin leader squared. i think about how much i love my girls, and i try to imagine loving a kid more than that. but they aren't actually my girls. their moms must love them so much more(this is why for me, camp is not "the best birth control" as some people say; it makes me want my own kids even more).
so i'm thinking about how i'd feel if one of my campers died, in any way, much less like this. and i try to multiply that 100 times, to come even close to picturing what these parents in connecticut must feel, and honestly, if i were in that position, i think i would die. i'd lose every ounce of my will to live and just die on the spot.

no matter what kind of psychological disorder you've got going on, who could look at, as obama so perfectly described them, "beautiful little children between the ages of 5 and 10" and want to see them die? i don't even think people screwed up enough to molest a child could bring themselves to kill one.
and not that high schoolers deserve it or anything, but seriously these were little kids. you hear about teenagers getting shot all the time(which i repeat, is still horrible and i wish that didn't happen either), but not kids. people don't even shoot up elementary schools on tv. it's so unthinkable, we don't even think to make up stories about it happening.

there are so many people hurting in so many ways right now. being the obnoxiously compassionate person i am, i'm feeling a little bit of each of them.

in my marriage and family class this semester, when we learned about family stress, we broke into groups and made lists of normative and non-normative stressors. we'd learned that a child dying at a young age was non-normative, so my group listed ways that might happen. we said things like car wrecks, cancer or other diseases, choking to death, falling down the stairs, and tried to think of really crazy freak accidents that could happen.
not one person in the room said "getting shot at school."
i doubt any parent drops their kid off at school in the morning and even vaguely wonders if they'll ever see them again. your kid's school is such a normal part of your life, a taken-for-granted safe place. i feel like even if my kid was okay, my whole world would be shaken up if something like this happened. i'd start questioning everything. if an elementary school isn't safe, what is?

what about the kids?
the ones who died? they're so little. appreciating life is a granted, automatic thing for them; they haven't yet needed to be taught that life is short. most of them don't understand death at all. they probably hadn't wondered a day in their life if it might be their last day.
and the ones who survived? the shooter only came into two classrooms; were there some who never saw him, but had siblings or cousins or friends who were killed?

what would you even do with that? if you had one child make it out and the other died. that's the most overwhelming scenario i can imagine. being so happy and thankful on the one hand to have one safe with you, while not even knowing what to do with yourself over losing the other.

what about people like me, off at college with siblings at home? i have a brother in fifth grade. i wouldn't want to get a phone call to hear he'd been shot, or even been anywhere where he could have been shot, if i wasn't able to rush straight home to my family. it was bad enough freshman year when i had to be far away and hear the news that my granddad died, and i was basically prepared for that but i still shut down, stopped eating, quit doing my homework and lost my scholarship. so if i got a total shock, like a family member getting killed, much less my little brother? again i think i'd probably die. if not from rapid hope loss, then from attempting to hitchhike home as fast as i could.

where's the hope in this? what's the good that God plans on using all this for? parents whose kids die of cancer can help other parents going through the same thing. kids who get paralyzed can grow up and write books about how they managed to still live a great life. but this is just ridiculous. i know this fits with the plan somewhere, but God's gonna have to get pretty creative here.

if nothing else, i hope this is a wakeup call to parents who don't love their kids enough. the parents of the campers who say they don't want to go home because their parents don't hug them or talk to them or just hang out with them like their counselors do. i hope they start appreciating the little miracle they have.

i wish it didn't take tragedies like this to make that happen.

accidental impact.

tours of camp on mondays are always one of the times for happy reunions with old campers. ask any of my girls from any week this year, they'll tell you i paused our tour at least once(usually plenty more times than that) to go hug a girl from another cabin and tell her staffer to take care of her because she's special. once we get back to the cabin i always tell my new ones "don't worry, if we're both back, you'll get one of those next year!"

but one monday this summer i got a surprise of my own.

i'm standing in front of the admin, telling my girls about the flying squirrel, when i hear a voice screaming "LINDAAAAAAAAAA!" and this teeny little girl who i swore i'd never seen before comes running at me like a bullet with the biggest smile on her face and launches herself into my arms. i hugged her and did a pretty convincing job of acting like i knew her; the usual tricks of using a term of endearment instead of her name, saying i'm glad she's here, all those little tricks(which by the way none of those are lying; i'm glad every camper is there, and i did hope i got to see her more that week because i mean she was adorable). she ate it right up and went skipping back to her cabin, turning around a few times to look back at me, with her face still lit up like it was christmas morning.

that night at dinner she did the same thing as i walked past her table. after she let go i waited for her to turn her back to me then frantically went to the next table and asked one of her staffers(i'm pretty sure she was in cabin 15, so i guess it was bailey) what her name was. from here on out i'll call her B. bailey or whoever it was told me she'd been asking about me all day. i admitted that i didn't remember her at all, and she says "well she's pretty much in love with you. i guess you did something!"

every day that week, anytime i saw B(which wasn't very often because we were in separate units), she'd get just as excited as she had on monday. and she was always smiling. one day she got in line to go canoeing for free time, but we filled up so she couldn't go, and when i told her, she just shrugged and said "oh. oh well!" and skipped off to puppets like it was the most fun thing in the world, not something lame for the overflow from the popular choices. she was always so happy, and every time i saw her i'd get happier too.

on friday morning at breakfast when she came and saw me like usual, i told her that i'd really miss her hugs next week and that they'd always made my day, and she looked surprised and said "really?? you made my day too!"
that afternoon i expected her to be a cryer, since she loved camp so much. but she ran to her mom all excited, came back and hugged me for a long time, said she loved me and she'd miss me. then she left, all with her usual huge smile like she'd slept with a coat hanger in her mouth. which was lucky for me, because seeing her still be her bouncing, happy self made me able to not cry my eyes out over my last one of those hugs. =]

campers like her amaze me. one of my acteens, whose first year at camp was my first year working, told me she'd always loved me when she was little and was glad she finally got to be in my cabin. then i've had other girls who i remembered, but who tell me stories that i didn't remember happening until they talked about them then.

you never know what kind of hat tricks God might pull at camp. things that seem insignificant to you, whether positive or negative, a camper may remember for the rest of their life. i hope i never forget that.

how to love a [camper].

i was going through my board on pinterest devoted to quotes, and i found this, which i pinned months ago but forgot about.
now i know that campers ARE children, so you can follow this list and love a camper that way. but i wanted to make my own special list.

how to love a camper.
always LISTEN.
be genuine.
be who you are.
let them be who they are, and praise them all day for it.
give positive attention.
show them what they're good at.
don't do everything for them. teach more than you do.
make them feel special.
let them make some decisions for themselves.
be gentle. never yell.
be willing to explain things more than once.
laugh!
participate in camp. lead from within an activity, not from the side of it.
play whatever game they want in the pool no matter how many times you played it last week.
allow wacky wednesday.
hugs and nice words should be given out liberally throughout the day.
let them think they're your favorite.
choose them over the staff.
be whatever they need.
answer their questions.
love them the same as you do any other camper.
show them Jesus.
"for a camper is a miracle who will soon become a part of your life."

camp life.

at camp:
i have more friends than i know what to do with.
i'm never ever lonely.
everyone loves me.
i never have to look for people to sit by or talk to because everyone's always looking for me first.
my weekends are all full.
people treat me like an adult, and i get to act like one.
and i'm the happiest person in the world.

that's what i always thought college life was supposed to be. but it's not. take each of those truths about camp and invert it, and you get my life at ciu.

don't get me wrong; i LOVE camp like it is. and it wouldn't be as great if i got what i get at camp anywhere else. but thinking about going back to school, or even home, after this makes me sick.

at this second though, i'm thankful for summer. i'm so happy right now. =]

summer.

where my weekdays are full of Jesus, laughing, singing, hugs, fun times with the sweetest little girls, and knowing that every single minute i'm smack in the middle of God's will. and my weekends are full of more Jesus, more laughing, even more hugs, and ridiculous fun with my friends.
this is the 70 days out of every year that i get to be myself. and they're already flying...but they're already the best i've ever had. =]

all different, but all the same.

one of my favorite parts of working at camp is seeing how creative God is, in that every single girl that comes into my cabin is unique. obviously i know no two people are just alike, but you really really start to understand that here. the best part of it is that the longer i'm here, the more i feel like i should see some repeats, and while there are a lot that i say "she is JUST like so and so from last week," even those are still their own person. it's like there's a lot of types of personalities but each girl is different in it. it's so cool getting to know each of them and seeing what's special about them.

but there are at least two things that are true about every camper, no matter how drastically different from any child you've ever met in your life.

1. every camper is in YOUR cabin for a reason.

God has a plan. and each girl is part of that. there are some who you'll ask yourself "WHY did i get this one..." and there are some who you don't even give a thought to it. but God is going to use you in some way, whether big or small, in each girl's life. isn't that cool?

2. every camper is special.

i know you know this, obviously. yes it's a cliche, but i wish it wasn't because it's so important. i really started thinking about this one day in my philosophy class this semester, we talked about the image of God and how even though we're each made in the same image, we all have a unique way of reflecting that image(from our personality traits to our gifts to anything else). different aspects of God are stronger in different people. and even in a nine year old, you can see these things. a girl who's really compassionate, or a good artist, or thinks of good ideas, all of those are ways they're like God.

a lot of girls will come in not realizing this. they've heard all the time that they ARE special, but so many of them don't believe it. it's so great to be able to show them WHY they're special. helping them understand how God made them who they are for a reason. i won't start telling whole stories because i have too many of them, but it's a beautiful thing to see a shy, insecure girl go home saying she can't wait to go back to school and be herself, or a really smart girl who had thought of herself as a geek and a loser leave camp knowing that people think that's cool about her.

those are the two main ones i thought of. then there are at least four things every camper needs.

1. every campers needs you.

again, God put them in your cabin for a reason. there's something about you that is just what that girl needs.

but she needs you in a simpler, more general way too. you're the one getting her places. you're the one she goes to when she has a problem. you're the keeper of the money bags, the one with the answers, her mom for a week. you're the most vital person in that girl's life for her time at camp.

you'll have at least one difficult camper who acts like they want nothing to do with you. but they still need you, whether you or they will admit it or not.

2. every camper needs to be loved.

some need it more than others. some need it in different ways. but every one of them needs love, whether she's a good little church girl from a wonderful family who shows her every day how loved she is, or she's from a broken home where her mom and stepdad favor her sister while she herself is never told how precious she is.

it's not always easy. and you'll never be perfectly loving to every girl every second. that's okay.

some are easier to love than others. you'll have at least one difficult camper that you just do not like. and that's okay. but you have to love them. you may need to constantly tell yourself to love them, but that's okay too.

if you wake up every morning and make a conscious choice to love every girl in your cabin no matter what, it will make the biggest difference.

again, each one is special. watching and finding HOW they each need to be loved and finding ways to love them that way is one of the best things you can do for them(it's not as much work as it sounds, i just mean little things you might notice. for instance, if one of them is always hugging you, that's probably their love language. a high five or a pat on the back when they do a good job at something will mean the world to them)

if they all go home thinking they were your favorite, you've done a good job. but that's not enough.

not only do we get to personally love them, but we get to show them real love. if all your girls go home thinking "because of how my staffer loved me, i understand better how God loves me" then you've done a great job.

that's what camp is all about, when it comes down to it. just love your girls, and everything else falls into place.

i have a whole post about that in my drafts that i should finish; so that's all i have to say here.

3. every camper needs to feel accepted.

being in a cabin full of girls can be hard for some of them. they want to fit in, make friends, and feel wanted. that starts with you, because if they see you making everyone feel special no matter who they are, then they want to treat everyone like that too.

and i guess really, we get to teach them a lot about grace. just by how we act. being patient with the loud ones who won't hush during rest time, or the slow ones who take ten minutes to put their shoes on. giving them second chances when they don't do something right the first time, like a job in cabin capers or reading out loud in Bible study.

this ties into loving them no matter what. and the finding how each one is special.

4. every camper needs to know God better.

that's probably the biggest and most obvious thing i've said so far. but it's also the most important.

don't take for granted that all of your girls know who God is. the vast majority of them do come from churches, and they've heard about him plenty. but not all of them really know God. and for the ones who do, we're here to deepen their understanding of him.

camp is about God, for God, because of God. we can give our campers the most fun week of their lives and send them home feeling good about themselves, but if we haven't been Jesus to them, we haven't done our job.

so they're all the same in all those ways. and it sounds like i'm contradicting myself to say "here are all the same ways in which they're different" but that's the only way i can think of to get to my next point. =p
(the same things i thought off are more deep, but my list of different things is mostly practical.)

1. every camper thinks differently.

remember this when you're explaining anything. whether it's a simple thing like how to do a job in cabin capers, or something more serious like a concept in Bible study, not all of them learn or understand things the same way.

2. every camper likes different things.

we'll be teaching you a lot of kinds of games for this reason. not all your girls will want to spend their down time in the cabin the same way, so vary the little fun things you do, let different girls take turns picking things, etc etc.

shower time is the best example of this. some will want to be in the middle of everything, others are happy to sit on their bunks and do something quietly by themselves. sometimes going off alone is a sign of homesickness, and you'll want to watch this carefully the first night or two. but once you start to get a feel for all the personalities in the group, you'll see who's naturally quiet and calm, who likes thinking games, who likes fast-paced games, etc etc.

3. every camper responds to you differently.

some are much more open and tell you all day long that you're the best and they love you. but others admire you from a distance. don't think that because one of your girls doesn't talk to you all the time or much at all that they don't like you; they're just different. you(most probably) haven't done anything wrong, it's just their personality.

in another sense, some are more sensitive than others. we have to be really careful how we talk to them; there's so much in our tone that we don't realize. you may not feel like you're yelling, but some girls might think you are. and it's really hard(don't i know it), but you have to watch your sarcasm. they don't always get it, especially younger girls.

this falls in with homesickness a lot. some methods work with some girls but not with others. they'll all take them differently.

4. every camper responds to God differently.

just because a girl hasn't talked a lot in Bible study, liked quiet time much, or made a big decision on thursday night, doesn't mean they aren't learning. some either aren't as open about it or are less mature than others.

a lot of this depends on what they already know or what they've been taught. i once had a girl who thought she wasn't supposed to ask questions about God so she hadn't raised her hand in Bible study at all(but she'd wanted to a lot of times).

don't get discouraged; God is at work even if you can't see it.

but no matter how alike or how different all of them are, we get to love them and have fun with them and get to know them for a week, and it's the best thing ever. you're gonna love it. =]