priority...unity.

remember at the beginning, in orientation? think really far. before the drama, before the cliques, before the talent show at our last mother-daughter. the night cici led our first staff devotion, and this question flashed up on the screen:

WHAT WOULD DEFINE A SUCCESSFUL SUMMER FOR YOU?

i had no idea how to answer. probably most of us didn't; it's a hard question. but i was surprised at myself because everyone turned and asked me what i thought, since, as i've been reminded too many times, i've been here longer than anyone else and apparently should know everything(sidenote, i hate that) but, i really didn't know.

like with most things though, i started writing, and found i had a lot more thoughts than i would have guessed. only in this case, i drew a little bit too.

we hear all the time about how camp is for the camper. which is all very true. but i think sometimes we hear that statement so much that it can seem like they're trying to tell us that they are the only thing that matters. i've been talking with God a lot about that this week. how do you explain the balance? this is what i figured out. we have four priorities at camp. they work like a funnel.

you start with God.

camp is about God, for God, because of God. yes, we're here for the campers, but if we aren't first focused on God, then anything we do in the name of "camp is for the camper" won't really be for anything. you can do a little bit of good, but you'll be doing it all on your own, and for either your own or someone else's agendas. but when you take your day, your week, your whole summer, and you give it to God. you let HIM be your strength, you start talking to HIM about everything that's wrong instead of to the staff, and you lean on HIM to make everything work, when you take time to rest in him every day, and then...everything else just falls into place(1 john 1:7!). in this order.


now the campers come in. when you're focused on God, you know how best to be what your girls need. you have all the love and joy and compassion that they need and want from you, and all the patience and energy that you need to be able to keep doing that every day(isaiah 40:29!). the girls see God spilling out of you all over the place, and so do...


the staff. yes. we are important. anytime they remind us to focus on the campers, they aren't telling us never to focus on each other. because we need each other. God put all of us together for a reason. we're here to love and encourage and support each other. it is NOT a bad thing to have close friends on staff. not at all. it's hard to stress the "camp is for the camper" deal without making it seem like we're saying we shouldn't think about the other staff at all. if you come to the end of a week, and you've loved on your girls and they all had a great week, but you weren't any help or support to the rest of staff, you haven't had a successful week. (but remember, your priority to the staff goes out in concentric circles too. starting with your own cit/staffer, then your roommate and their staffer, then the rest of your unit, then your "sister" unit, then anyone else) we NEED to be here for each other, but lately we've been leaning on each other in all the wrong ways. more on that later.

even after all this, there's still one other thing you need to take care of.

yes. yourself. you can be pouring all the Jesus in the world into your girls, and be an encouragement to the staff all week long, but if you're not taking care of yourself, then you aren't doing your job right either. if you aren't getting your rest(i know i know. i'm...preaching to the choir is it? or i'll just say it in nonmetaphorical words, i am a HYPOCRITE), then you won't be as effective as God wants you to be. he wants you to rest. he never said you had to knock yourself out and get all drained every day in order to do his work. it's ok to slow down sometimes. we NEED to slow down sometimes.(matthew 11:28, psalm 62:1, mark 6:31, psalm 127:2, hebrews 4:11 etc) and most importantly. have your quiet time. you can be feeding your girls up spiritually all week long, but if you aren't taking time to feed yourself, then you aren't accomplishing half what you could be.
ps, you need to get your ear drops. please, please, please get your ear drops, and go to sleep at night. or else you'll get awful sick and have to leave for three days and it will SUCK.

so. what defines a successful summer? one where those four are in that ideal balance. and notice that as you add a new circle, the circle before it gets bigger. so when you pour into your campers in the right way, it brings you even more to God. and especially this one: when you focus on the staff in the right way, you have even more to give the campers. see?
now. i'm probably about to stomp all over a whole lot of toes. and i know 90% of everyone will hate me after this, but it needs to be said. and i've prayed very very hard about how to say it, so if i hurt anyone, i swear it isn't at all on purpose. i'm not talking down to anyone, i'm not blaming everyone, and i am most definitely not claiming to have been a good example of what i'm about to ramble about(you'll notice that i'm very careful to always say "we", because i am just as guilty[and more so in some ways] as anyone else).
we are a family. whether we want to be or not, we are. we're a dysfunctional family with all kinds of problems, i'll admit, but a family nonetheless. just like in our real families, we don't get to choose who they are. to quote one of my favorite movies ever, "you are born into a family. you do not join them like you do the marines."
we don't have to like each other all the time, but God does say we need to love each other. this is one of my favorite camp-staff-related verses.
"and above all these virtues, put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity."-colossians 3:14
hold the phone. i just noticed, "them" is referring to the other 'virtues' paul talked about earlier in the passage, it isn't about the body of Christ. so it isn't quite as perfectly applicable as i thought it was...that's sad. but it's okay, i found another one.
"may they be brought to complete unity, to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me."-john 17:23b
see? if we aren't unified, we can't serve the girls the way God wants us to.
and finally, my favorite midsummer verse, that i give to all the staff after this break every year:
"let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the body of believers."-galatians 6:9-10
actually this is just one of my favorite verses period, not just for summer. it's so GOOD. check this stuff out.
--let us not become weary in doing good...
how many of yall are weary? i am.
i have been since the fourth day of staff training. and i know we all were right before we left. we are weary, and it is hurting us. but we are doing good. and that is exactly why satan is attacking us. he's getting us down, and turning us on each other, because we can do so, much, good. we aren't being the best we can, but we can fix it.
--for at the proper time, we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.
who's wanted to give up at any point this summer? i have.
camp is hard. even in my best summer, it was hard. but big things for God are always hard. we WILL get weary and we WILL want to give up sometimes. but look what happens when we don't? we reap a harvest. in this case, we bless these girls and impact their lives. God will work through us no matter how tired or defeated we are, as long as we trust him to do it. if we're leaning on each other for that strength, he won't use us. yes, it's ok to turn to each other for encouragement, but unless we're ultimately depending on God, we'll fail. God will let one human after another disappoint us until we realize that we're here for him, not for the staff.(i could tell you all kinds of sad stories as to how i learned this. but i promise, the staff can't be why you're here. it won't work.)
also. while it is important for the girls to see us unified, it's not like they come to watch us and learn about how to have good friendships. they come to learn about God and be loved on by us. none of them, not even the acteens, notice or care if we're all in cliques. the campers are not the reason to have or not have close friends on staff.
which brings me to what i promise is my last point...
we haven't been loving each other. we've been tolerating each other if anything, but in a lot of ways we've been downright hateful. i won't give examples, but everyone knows what i'm talking about.
it's ok that we have issues. we're human, and worse, we're girls. of course we're gonna go nuts once a month. it's understandable that conflict is out there, but it is NOT ok that we haven't been handling it the way God tells us to. so, all i will say is this, and if you can't tell it in writing, i am using the very-serious-but-not-yelling tone that i use at lights out when my girls need to LISTEN: if you have a problem with someone, there is NO reason to go and tell half the staff about it, or even just a few people you're close to. it doesn't matter how much you trust them; if they aren't part of the resolution, they don't need to know about it(and the trustworthy ones likely don't want to be hearing it; venting is often just bubble-wrapped gossip.[i use it as my excuse a LOT, but when i think about it, most of the time i really am just gossiping]) because that just makes them part of the problem. if you can't tell the person you have an issue with, my only advice is to get a diary. but don't tell other people. this is not middle school, this is camp la vida. and even though in a way we get to be like kids all summer, we should be able to treat each other like adults, and go straight to the people we need to work things out with.(a second post on this is coming)
ok. *steps off soapbox and re-assumes loving cabin leader tone* that's all. i hope no one hates me, because i love all of yall so much, and i tell people the truth when i love them. that's the only reason i wrote all this. i know we can pull ourselves together and have a great rest of the summer.
and please, please, if you disagree with anything i've said(totally understandable, my feelings won't be hurt), tell me. i hate finding out from other people that i've made someone mad. and i'm sure lots of people will have comments, so come to me. i won't get defensive or start crying or yelling at you, i promise. =]

missing.

written april 14, for my other blog, and forgotten in my drafts. i see it as a God thing that i found it today.


last night i dreamed about camp. i do that a lot, since i think about it so much, but this was one of the ones that it's hard to wake up from. one where it feels so real that i'm actually shocked when i wake up and realize i'm still here. i was actually trying to wake up from reality, because i figured there was no way i wasn't actually back home a minute ago.
nothing that special happened in it i don't think. i remember no details, no people, just, being there and doing my thing. but that's always enough.
i woke up at 5ish am, crying so hard i was shaking, and i always feel stupid for that. why do i have to miss it so much, all the time? why can't i be happy with being someplace else? it's just the way life works: camp in the summer, real life for ten months, repeat. but i can never seem to adapt to the real life part.
camp has my heart. and i'm so afraid of what i'll be like when the day comes that i don't go back again. i don't know if it would let me take it with me; it loves camp. it won't take too well to leaving.

lately i've been coming to terms with the fact that this won't always be my life. unless i plan on being the director one day(i don't even want to be a unit leader, much less climb even higher. not happening).
if lucy, or heather smith(that's not her name anymore, but it was when she was my unit leader so i still call her it), or britnie reid all had to leave one day, i will too. someday, my time will be up. i pray every august that God will let me have one more year, and that i'll know when it's my last, because i want to be AT camp when i realize that i won't be back. so i can walk through every little bit of it one last time. especially the most important places; the bed in cabin 10 where i was saved, the ropes course where i learned everything i need to know about life, the walk-in refrigerator where we celebrated every week after mopping, the OLS field where i learned how to pee in the woods(serious accomplishment), the lake where me and amber did all our bonding and venting and note-writing(and of course some lifeguarding), and unit 2...oh unit 2.
i annoy myself with how prone to missing things i am. especially with camp. i wish i could go just one day without wishing i was there. one day without being homesick. it's not that i don't love my normal life, or that i sit around all day missing camp. i don't have this debilitating separation anxiety, but there's about 60 seconds a day that i just want to be in my real home, doing what God made me for.
i hear about missionaries who miss their work so much during their stateside time that they almost wish they didn't need a break. in ICS last semester we learned about this one woman, i don't remember her name or what country she worked in, but she went this huge amount of years and never took a furlough. that's how much passion i have for camp, only they make me go home at the end of every summer. if my break between summers were optional, i would live there and never come home. even if there were no campers, no other staff. i would take all my classes online, and when i wasn't busy with school i'd spend the rest of my time hanging with Jesus, walking around praying for the next summer, taking pictures of the lake, raking up the paths through the ropes course so there's less work in orientation week...and whatever else i could think of. i'd get lonely though.

i had a friend once who told me that every time i miss someone, i should pray for them. that way i wouldn't be as sad, and everybody would benefit from what i normally wouldn't like. maybe i can do that for places too.
what will happen when i leave for good? if i miss it this much while i know i'll be back in a month and a half, i don't want to think about what it will be like when i don't have another summer to look forward to.
i don't think God would ever call me away without first showing me my next purpose, because i feel like without this one, i would be too lost to notice when the new one came.

we are family.

to my 2011 staff.

we have spent five weeks together now. i'm pretty sure all of us would agree they haven't been easy. not all of us know why. i'm not totally sure either(but i have plenty of my own reasons). but there are two verses that i've thought a lot on this summer. i know yall have all heard both of them over and over, but just think about how they relate to camp.
both of them use a word that i think would describe all of us.

isaiah 40:30-31--
even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall. but those who hope in the Lord will find new strength. they will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

galatians 6:9--
let us not grow weary in doing good, for at the proper time, we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

how many of you are weary? i am. and that's a big deal. ask anyone who worked with me in the past. i am never this low in june. (it's usually late july that i start to burn out) but the point is, all of us are. we're weary.

i was thinking about us a LOT while i was gone. i missed us. i missed hugs and notes and laughing about our girls, and somehow, i even missed all the stupid drama that i hate so much. it was weird, but only because i had expected to be glad to get away from that part of it. and i decided that it's because i love everyone too much to not be there for it. i feel like i abandoned everybody. (i totally could have waited until friday to go to the doctor, i don't even have strep!)

the point is. we're family. no matter whether it's a good day or a bad day, i love you guys. and we're gonna stick it out no matter how tired or frustrated we are. no giving up allowed. we still have a whole half a summer left together.

beauty.

i have used the word "difficult" more times this summer than i have at any other time in my life. and this week was the second most difficult one i've ever had.
my campers were difficult. the staff were difficult. having no energy, not being able to sleep at night, having to deal with a camper situation that i've always prayed never to have, and ending the week by getting so sick that i actually volunteered to take a few days off...difficult, difficult, difficult.
camp is hard. it's not supposed to be. it's never been this way before. i don't understand it.
i've never had to force myself so hard to find the beauty underneath it all. and i hate that most days, i'm just too tired or discouraged to look for it.
but when i do look around, i find it.
in a hug or an encouraging note from one of my wonderful sisters, given to me at just the right moment.
in a story from another more fortunate cabin leader of a girl who wants to be a missionary.
in a little girl who realizes for the first time that God has a plan for her.
in two minutes of silence outside.
in the perfect song shuffling onto my ipod.
in an old friend being able to remind me of the crap we've survived before, and helping me through everything going on now.
everyone is worried about me. i've gotten as many notes this week as i do on my birthday. i'm home right now, so i'm of course miserable. i'm bored, i feel terrible, i'm on so many different medicines at once i feel like a drug addict, and dadGUM i miss my friends. i'm also pretty mad that i had to get sick for mother-daughter minicamp; i look forward to that all year. it's so fun and easy.
but missing everything so much is a relief. someone told me before i left that she was afraid i would realize how easy life was outside of camp and not want to come back. nope. i would hate my life if i weren't at camp. i'd live in my house, i'd be working at domino's, and i would never see anyone since my friends at home will never drive to see me. if anything, this is reminding me how much i love camp.
plus. remember how i said about staff orientation and my first week that satan was all over me? he may have given me a break the second week, but he's back and worse than ever now. then today, i was opening a cough drop and i look at the wrapper. you know how hall's says they're a pep talk in every drop? this one was from God. it said "get back in there champ."
that's what i'm gonna do. i cannot wait to be home with my family and my kids. and by that, i of course mean at camp with my staff and my campers.

"...for a camper is a miracle who will soon become a part of your life."

i think my favorite part of coming back every year is watching my campers grow up.

my first summer, my unit leader would tell me every time i cried about a group of girls leaving, that i was now a part of every one of their lives. i didn't understand what she meant at the time. but i get it a little more each year.

i have a few who have come every year i've been here. some i don't even recognize because they've gotten so big. i feel like a grandma when i talk about what they were like in 3rd grade(but i figure it makes them feel special). there are some who have been in my cabin for multiple years, and i love seeing how they've changed, listening to them in bible study, or just watching how they act now. some will be crazy and loud and drive me out of my mind one year, then come back the next year and be calmer and quieter, and i'll miss their louder self.

i really am a part of these girls lives. just like my old staffers are still part of mine, simply because i remember the impact they had on me. and i'm pretty sure that even if they can't remember my name, or some of the things we did their week, they'll remember that crazy cabin leader they once had, who cried on friday when their mom took them away from me.

one of my girls this week told me on friday morning "you really do love us, like for real, don't you?" it wasn't a question. she knew the answer. i can only think of a few staffers that i had as a camper who i would say that about. i wanted to be just like them when i grew up; and i guess i did it.

that is insane. i am unbelievably blessed.

high of 75.

this week was beautiful. in every sense of the word.
and okay, it was a little warmer than 75. but it was in the pretty low 90s and there was this constant perfect breeze.
i had the absolutely too wonderful to be true cabin. all my girls were so much fun, but they'd put their craziness on pause in a split second anytime i started to say something. they did everything i asked right away, not that i even needed to ask them very often to quiet down and go to sleep, or to do their cabin capers job, or clean their tables after meals, or anything that my last group i would have had to tell 14 times. they LOVED bible study, and not only listened, but had things to say, and never complained about any part of it. they were quiet in rest time, they never talked after lights out(unless you count thursday night when they kept asking me to sing one more song), there was no drama between buddies, they all made friends and were promising each other on the last day to keep in touch, and i had one who reminded me so much of myself as a camper that it was almost scary.
i found time for so many good conversations with random staff(yes, without neglecting my job!!).
i got in Jesus time every single day.
we had CHURROS. i got 4 of em.
and i felt good all week. i remember why i'm here, how much i love it, and the kind of stuff God has in store for the rest of the summer, and i couldn't be happier. i've almost found that rhythm i was in last summer.
"and it's funny how you find you enjoy your life, when you're happy to be alive."
this next week is a full camp!! i can't wait for unit 3, and the empty tables in the dining hall, and chairs in the multipurpose building to be filled like the glory days when i was a camper. pray that we'll work well with our new mundo staffers and returning staff who are coming back to help us out, and that we'll all be prepared for this many campers. pray that we'll focus first on God, then on the campers, and then on encouraging each other. and pray for the 200 girls getting ready right now, that God will rock their worlds this week!

midlife crisis=over.

[from the week of june 6-10]
i haven't been myself. i'll tell the whole story in my end-of-the-summer post. but for now, just know that it's so far been an off summer. i call it a mid-career crisis; i'm still shooting for ten years here so i'm hoping this is the middle but early.
i have myself figured out now though. remember how everyone has been quoting my principle of "don't make God a part of your summer, make yourself part of God's summer"? i had planned on practicing what i preached, i really had...i just didn't realize that i had my own little agenda along with that. and when it started falling in, i lost it.
God isn't a fan of my need to have a plan and know what's coming next. so when i set a whole bunch of expectations, he will 99% of the time shake them up and give me something completely different. i wouldn't say that he disappoints me, but it always throws me for a while and i whine at him until i figure out that everything turned out for the wonderful.
it took me much longer than it should have to throw out MY plan for the summer and accept HIS way. i still have a whole lot of doubts about everything, but i have the strength to fight it now.
ok. stories.
this was a difficult group. i loved each of them individually but having this many wild-child-types in one cabin is not my favorite. but on thursday for decision night, one of my worst ones writes on her card that she wants to be a missionary. i didn't expect it to be legit, but as always i took her aside to talk to her, and she opens with "i just feel like i've been ignoring what God wants, but now i'm ready to listen. and i know he wants me to go share his love with people for the rest of my life." this child is in 4th grade, by the way. and she's talking like a 20 year-old about how much God has her hurting for people who don't know him.
and for the funnier side, i always have at least one camper a week that asks me about my ring. so this week i'm walking my adventure rec group to the field, and one of my girls asks "miss linda are you married?" and i said no, and she asks why i have a ring on, and i say i'm married to Jesus(how else do you explain a purity ring to a 3rd grader?)and she asks if i have a boyfriend and i say "no, i don't need boys" and she asks "do you wanna marry one?" and i say well yeah, someday, and then another one jumps in and says "well just make sure you don't wait until you're 50!" and i ask why, and she says "cuz you'll look all nasty and no one will want you!"
then thursday night was the best. our international missionary did a worship service for our "staff meeting", and it was everything i needed. camper worship is all well and good, but it was so good for all of us to have our own distraction free time with God and each other and listen to jason say awesome things that are this time directed to us. not that we didn't love his talks for the kids. he was such a blessing this week.
i'm not used to camp being this much of a challenge. i'm not usually so tired. i don't usually have to fight so hard to squeeze some Jesus into these girls(i guess because i usually have more of him in me). satan is just attacking me all over the place and i am so much weaker than i thought i was. but i feel like God will step in soon.
i love my job. i do, i do. i still can't believe i forgot that.